One Year

Hi Guys! 

Today is a pretty special anniversary for me.

Actually, it is one of the most exciting anniversaries of my life. 

One year ago today I received my endowments and went through the temple for the first time. 

December 30, 2015

The past week I have been reflecting a lot on what the past year has held. 

14 months ago I started my mission papers. 

13 months ago I said goodbye to SVU.

12 months ago I entered the temple.

11 months ago I submitted my mission papers. 

10 months ago I was waiting for a call. 

9 months ago I found out I would have to lose weight before I could go. 

7 months ago I quit sugar. 

6 months ago I started attending ARP.

4 months ago I relapsed and started eating sugar again. 

2 months ago I turned 21. 

1 month ago I published my latest blog post. 

A lot has happened this year. 

As I sat in the temple today I thought about who I was 1 year ago. 

Because I came home from SVU broken. 

But at the time I had no idea how rock-bottom wrecked I was. 

I was still pretending everything was fine. 

Honestly, it was months before I even told my parents I had failed that semester. 

I came home and I was all gung-ho mission. 

Mission. Mission. Mission. 

Because I thought my mission would fix me. 

Going on a mission won't fix you. 

Going on a mission will bring to light all the crazy you fought so hard to hide. 

Going on a mission will bring out the crazy.

I've mentioned my Kadee in this blog before right?

Literally. 

She is my kindred spirit. 

I left Virginia but she stayed for another semester before leaving on her mission.
And we would facetime multiple times a week.

Sometimes multiple times a day. 

Yes I did visit her on her mission. It was wonderful.

Anyways, I called her one day in April in complete tears. 

Like, this was maximum dramatics. 

And she told me to go on a walk and so we went on a walk together her and I. 

We got to the temple and I sat down on the lawn and I sobbed as I told her that I wasn't okay. 

I need you all to just picture this for a minute.
It was cold.
Not snow cold but like the snot dripping off my chin was probably turning into icicles. 

And I laid on the grass on the side of the temple.

Curled in the fetal position.
Protected by some trees so no one would see me and ask if I was okay. 

And I sobbed. 

But not only sobbed.
I sobbed into my phone so Kadee could hear my sobs.

All the tears. 

I had a headache for a day after I cried so much. 

It was pitiful. 

And she just listened to me.

As I told her that my life was a lie. 

That I couldn't fake it anymore. 

That I was so unhappy. 

That I didn't think there was hope.

And she listened. 

But most important, she promised there was hope. 

One more picture of her just cause I miss her every day.

In June I finally realized,

(and by finally it should be spelt how I intend it to sound which is fiiiiiiiinnaaaaaaaaaaaallllllyyyyyy)

I finally realized that I couldn't change without my Heavenly Father's help.

Like physically impossible.
Because I had spent years of my life trying to fix myself and being unable to.

But in June I asked for a blessing.
And in that blessing I was promised heaven's help in accomplishing what was previously impossible.

 I got a support group.

I quit sugar. 

And I started attending the Addiction Recovery Program. 

I screwed up a few times along the way. 

I don't attend ARP every week. 

I've ate a lot of sugar during Christmas break. 

And I haven't been progressing for a few weeks. 

But in December I look back on the past year. 

And I just need to thank God. 

Especially for the friendships made/strengthened this year.

Because right here, at this moment at the end of December, I have hope. 

I am no longer in denial. 

I am working to overcome my 10 year long eating disorder.

I am closer to going on a mission than I have been all year, or really, my entire life. 

And I know that in spite of all the trials, all the struggles and thanks to all the lessons learned, 

I am becoming the person my Heavenly Father wants me to be. 

Since I published my last blog post I have felt such peace. 

As I've recognized it and thought about why I realized something.
That was it.
There is no more secrets.

No more shame, no more guilt, no more hiding behind my "perfect" mask. 

Confession time is over. 

After years of pretending and faking it and working my hardest to make sure no one saw my struggles and my shame, in the past year I have shared it all with you. 

And now that it is out there I can move on. 

I can leave the past in the past. 

And I can focus on what is truly important:

Becoming Sister Atwood at last. 

Taking a Break

I am going to take a quick break from the Christlike Attributes challenge of December to update you on a few things going on in my life. 

First things first.
God is always teaching me lessons.

Always. 

And second.
I have not been feeling the desire to write. 

That is hard for me because things make sense when I write them down. 

And I have become used to writing by the spirit with this blog.
But that isn't there right now. 

I'm fixing the things in my life that need to be fixed.

And with this post I am walking in faith hoping that at some point the spirit guides me into saying what needs to be said. 

Sitting on the desk in front of me is a sticky note of all the topics I've been meaning to cover over the past few weeks.
The realizations I've had.
The tender mercies I've seen.
The progress I've made.

But none of those are what I am writing about today. 

I hope that I will be able to share those experiences with you at a later time.

Today however, I want to tell you about the worst time in my life. 

My last semester at school sucked. 

It was the worst time in my whole life. 

And what made it so terrible was how good things were. 

I was an RA which I loved. 

I adored the people I worked with, I had the best bosses ever, I loved my girls. 

It was Year 2 of being Director of Soccer Operations. 

And I walked in so confident. Coaching staff I adore. The team I love. And the sport just makes me so happy. I'm not a sportsy person but soccer just makes sense to me. 

I had chosen classes I knew I would love. 

Easy course load, only 12 credits, and all amazing professors. 

My best friends were all there with me.

And we had such good adventures that semester, plus I made so many new friends. 

I loved my ward.

Bishop Rodriguez was wonderful. I loved my Relief Society and even went to FHE. 

Which is rare for me.

But what it all boiled down to was that it was a recipe for success.

Looking back I can't see anything wrong with all of those pieces. 

Everything was perfect.

And oh, I see how this is all looping in and where it is going, trust me it is gonna be good. 

Guys, I am a perfectionist. 

And not in a cutesy good way where I have to double-check something before I turn it in. 

More in a, I can't start doing this project cause I have to have my house clean and everything done before I can start it so I can devote 110% to it and I have to have all the research done and everything and have to schedule out my time and follow it exactly so I can do this to the best of my abilities but oh wait I can't get all that done first cause I'm going to run out of time but I have to get it done first but I don't have time oh crap this project is due today and I haven't started and I am going to fail and my life is ruined and there is no way I can do a good job on it at this point so I'm just going to pretend I forgot about it and move on. 

I'm sure that was painful to read, but my thought processes don't have commas. 

My perfectionism isn't healthy. 

I have anxiety disorder and that is where this perfectionism comes from.

Let me break down how my brain works:

Failure isn't an option

If I fail no one will like me

Nobody likes me already because of x,y,z

But if I fail then they will hate me and I will be alone forever

Sad, lonely, life

I will be a cat lady and I'm allergic to cats

I'm going to live in my parent's basement my whole life

I am insane, the way I think is insane

I can never live a normal life if I am insane

So I can't fail

It would be better to die than fail

Before I continue with all the thoughts I gotta say let us pay attention to that last line. 

It would be better to die than fail. 

HOW MESSED UP IS THAT. 

Logically, I know that is totally insane. 

You learn from failing.
One can't be perfect all the time. 

Well, my brain struggles with that concept. 

It wants me to die when I am not living up to my "potential".

Whether it is letting depression take over and wanting to cut. 

Or wanting to just drive off a bridge or a cliff or etc...

Or my personal favourite, eat myself into a coma of sadness, shame and despair. 

And by personal favourite I mean that I hate that bingeing is my go-to.

As far back as I can remember I have always been this way. 

Things had to be done "just right" or else. 

I remember feeling crazy as like a six year old, and feeling like my life was out of my control. 

That is a repeating thought I have. 

My life is out of my control. 

Family, school, satan, God, church, friends.
I felt like everyone and everything had more control over my life than I did. 

But if I played my part perfect, maybe I would be given that control I craved. 

So I played perfect. 

I tried to get the best grades.
To do all the chores.

To be the best friend. 

I juggled all the things as best I could all day long. 

When I was done I would grab a book and raid the pantry. 

And stay up most of the night "recovering" from my day, only to do it again tomorrow. 

It was unsustainable. 

I hated my life. 

But I needed people to like me so I had to keep it up.

And no one who saw the perfect me saw the imperfect me. 

I kept those two as separate as I could. 

Senior year of High School that fell apart as I had like a hundred surgeries, and almost daily panic attacks from that whole situation.
But in the summer I pulled it together before I went to school in Virginia.
In all honesty, I should have let myself fall apart then. 

Cause when I got to Virginia I lived in a room with two other girls.
Girls I had classes with and shared soccer with.

Girls who saw the best of me, but also the worst.

No matter how hard I tried to hide it.

I would skip out of activities with my friends so I could binge. 

I skipped church so I could binge.

I skipped class so I could binge. 

It was impossible to be "perfect" all the time so I took every opportunity to "heal" so I could resume my fight for perfection. 

Reading over this I sound insane.
Like lock me up in rehab insane. 

But you have to understand that this all felt logical in my head.

I had thought like this for so long I couldn't see anything wrong with it. 

This all continued throughout my freshman year. 

I gained weight but I was keeping the crazy mostly under control. 

I came home for the summer and struggled.

I was beginning to realize my life was unfulfilling and unsustainable.

But I wasn't ready to change yet. 

I knew, however, that I couldn't hide in Virginia.
Who I wanted to be couldn't binge like I did and still do all I wanted to do. 

And I was unprepared to deal with that. 

But I went back to school. 

And my life fell apart. 

Cliff note version is that I:
Skipped school often.

Skipped church often.

Avoided hanging with my friends.

Stopped enjoying soccer and skipped when I could.

Binged for three months straight in what can only be described as a hellhole.

I could no longer be perfect.

And I completely gave up. 

I gained an atrocious amount of weight. 

And hit rock bottom. 

And do you know who was there?

God.

Let's just pause here.
Just pause and take a breather.
Cause this has been such an intense post.
Literally, you have seen into my brain and my heart and my soul.
I have just shown you my greatest struggles and inadequacies.
So just pause.


This is what my cat would look like in my cat lady life.

Please tell me you've taken a good breather just to process things.
Now let's go back to the point where I found God.
I've always known of God.
As a child I asked God for a miracle so I would know He was there.
As a depressed overweight sad teenager I cried out to God to just kill me cause I was so miserable.
As I grew older I prayed to Him with a full heart because there was so much need I saw around me.
In my best moments I thanked Him profusely for all He had given me.
But it wasn't until I was 20 years old suffering in my own private hell that I met Him.
When I talked to Him and I listened for His answers.
And found He had always been talking to me.
I just had so rarely listened.

Now I want you to listen to this song.
Just sit and listen, then keep reading.

Matthew West speaks to my soul. 

God was there for me. 

At my worst the Atonement was available.

And my Saviour's hand was outstretched towards me. 

I just had to grab on. 

It has been over a year since I started my papers. 

And in this year I have been so blessed.

I have felt God's love. 

And I have been healed. 

Not completely. I still struggle daily. But I am not alone.
After years of feeling so alone, I now know He is always there.
And always has been.
I don't strive for control over everything, I am trying to just let God have the reins.
And I am learning to embrace imperfection. 

This past year has been the greatest gift God has given me. 

Time to heal.

Time to change. 

Time to become His. 

I pray you all take the opportunities given you to change if you need to. 

And to reach out to your Saviour's waiting hands.
He is there. 

Love, Em

Life Sucks...

Dear Readers,

Life sucks. 

It is so hard. 

It is hard to do what is right.

It is hard to make good choices.

It is hard to prepare to serve a mission. 

All my missionary friends told me that as you get closer to serving a mission, life gets harder. 

You are tempted more than ever before. 

Things fall apart.
Distractions pop up. 

The struggle is so very real. 

And it sucks. 

I remember when these friends were struggling with their own issues prior to leaving.

I was so confused.

"Read your scriptures more," I said naively.

"Just go to the temple every spare moment," I would suggest.

"Pray for heaven's help," I implored. 

And they would smile and say thanks for the advice.

But really, I know now what they were thinking, because it is what I am thinking these days. 

Which is that it is not that easy. 

You do all the things you are supposed to do.

But it is still hard. 

And nobody prepared me for that moment.

The moment when you realize, that although you are doing all that you are supposed to, it's still hard. 

I didn't know. 

Dear readers, the struggle is real. 

Now, are you thoroughly burdened down by the despair of how hard life is?

Good. 

Because from that place you can feel the light that the rest of this post will bring. 

God loves me. 

God loves you.

God loves us in spite of our sins.
He loves us in spite of our willful disobedience.
He loves us when we are stubborn.

He loves us when we make dumb choices.

He loves us when we mess everything up.

Unconditional love= He loves us no matter what.

And God sent us His son.

His loving, perfect son who endured agonies beyond comprehension for us. 

Who suffered and bled so that we could be saved.

Our Savior and Redeemer Jesus Christ. 

And life is hard.

But it wasn't meant to be an easy road.
We are here to struggle, to face challenges, to fight for what is right and to be challenged. 

Sometimes we feel like we are the worst sinner ever. 

Like nobody else's struggles even compare to ours because we are drowning in our trials. 

That we will never make it over the mountain ahead of us.
And that we are doomed to fail. 

I've felt that way before. 

There still are days when I feel that way. 

Sometimes I feel utterly hopeless. 

But, 

God didn't design us to fail. 

So, take a final piece of advice from the beloved President Gordon B. Hinckley, 

And remember,

I believe in you.
I know it is hard.
But heaven is cheering you on.
God loves you. 

Jesus Christ loves you. 

And you will survive this.

Love, Em

Hello Healing

Step 2: Hope

In the Addiction Recovery Program step 2 is HOPE.

The Key Principle is to come to believe that the power of God can restore you to complete spiritual health. 

Now I don't know about you, but for me I 100% believe that the power of God can restore you to complete spiritual health.
But believing that He can restore me is a different story.

It is so easy to believe that He will heal others but not us. 

Sometimes I feel like I am just the worst person and no way God wants to help me.

He may love me but I am beyond helping. 

Anybody else ever feel that way?

But Step 2 asks us to turn to God and find hope in the Atonement of Jesus Christ. 

No matter what you've done or where you've been.
He isn't saying if A, B or C are your sins I will help you, but D and E, sorry you are beyond help.

That isn't how the Atonement works. 

One of the coolest moments for me was when I first went to ARP. 

I knew I needed to be there, but I still wasn't sure about going. 

However, I walked in and the Spirit was so strong.

This group of people who were all sinners like me because they were there, were surrounded by this overpowering spirit. 

And they were smiling and chatting. 

That wasn't the image I had in my head of what it would be like. 

But they had hope.
They trusted.
They knew the process worked and so they were there. 

In the ARP Manual it shares a quote from Boyd K. Packer from the October 1995 General Conference where he said that if we turned to the Lord, "no habit, no addiction, no rebellion, no transgression, no offense exempted from the promise of complete forgiveness."

Whoa.

Now for me I always had hope.
Since the beginning of this I knew Heavenly Father could heal me.
I knew the Atonement could help me. 

But while I had hope I struggled with truly trusting it would happen. 

However I learned many things from this chapter, the most important being that the foundation of recovery from addiction must be spiritual.  

A main point of this lesson on hope is tender mercies. 

I LOVE TENDER MERCIES.

They are those moments where something simple happens, that reminds you that Heavenly Father is aware of you and watching out for you. 

Thinking about tender mercies I am reminded of my senior year of High School.
I had to have a bunch of surgeries and I was feeling pretty bad about life at this time. 

I was missing school, I was missing my friends, I was missing everyone asking each other to grad, I was missing EVERYTHING. 

And the surgeries weren't even working.
It sucked. 

Following one of these surgeries someone brought me a vase of flowers, and in the middle of these flowers was a giant yellow Chrysanthemum. 

I put the flowers in my windowsill and never watered them. 

Plus I live in a basement so they weren't getting a lot of light.
These poor flowers had to chill with me as I laid in my bed, day after day, feeling miserable about my life. 

One day I walked into my room and noticed that all the flowers had died. 

(This is the flowers in question)

Well, all the flowers except for the Chrysanthemum. 

And because I was lazy and sad I didn't throw away the dead flowers, I just let them sit there.

For months.

And this Chrysanthemum WOULDN'T DIE.

I wanted it to die.
It had to be so dang cheerful every single day while I was miserable. 

But then after about two months of this I looked at it the chrysanthemum and realized something.
This cheery little flower was a blessing.

Even though I felt everything was going wrong, this flower just kept living.
It refused to quit on me.

Just like my Heavenly Father. 

#tendermercy

"Some individuals...erroneously may discount or dismiss in their personal lives the availability of the tender mercies of the Lord... We may falsely think that such blessings and gifts are reserved for other people who appear to be more righteous or who serve in visible Church callings. I testify that the tender mercies of the Lord are available to all of us and that the Redeemer of Israel is eager to bestow such gifts upon us."

You will see the tender mercies of the Lord in your life as you learn to watch for them and as you come to believe that the power of God can indeed help you recover.

I have a testimony of this. 

I struggle often.
I am a sinner.
But I just keep trying. 

I trust my Heavenly Father and I know He loves me.

I know He wants the best for me and the best for you too. 

So let us all strive for hope.

Love, Em

Preaching to the Choir

Now I am not the person to be delivering this message.

I watch some R-rated movies.

I binge-watch shows on Netflix.

My standards when it comes to media are not where they should be.

And I know that. 

But at the same time I also am a fan of church movies.

I can pretty much quote every Liken the Scriptures movie.

I cry a ridiculous amount in the 17 Miracles movie (and every other pioneer movie for that matter)

And when I was a kid, Summer Naomi Smart was goals. 

So as someone who has seen both sides. 

Who really struggles with living in the world but not being of the world. 

I have a message to all future missionaries.

And this message is seriously humbling for me, don't think it isn't.

I have watched lots of friends prepare for missions. 

Each has a different way of doing things.

Different priorities before they leave. 

But one thing I have seen time and time again is that Satan is tempting them more than ever before. 

From the moment you decide to go on a mission the forces of hell are fighting against you. 

Cause you got lots of good to do my friends. 

And obviously, the forces of darkness don't want all that good to happen.
They are gonna pull out all the stops to stop you.

Now let me think...

If you are someone who is a good person.

(Obviously you are, you're spending your time reading mission blogs)

Someone who is trying to do what is right.

Satan isn't going to tempt you to get wasted.

Maybe he will, if that is something you struggle with. 

But he is typically going to go for the smaller things, to keep you from preparing and being ready. 

He is going to try and distract you. 

Hello Netflix. 

Hello Tumblr. 

Hello the whole public library.

Hello anything that distracts you. 

Anything that doesn't bring the spirit. 

Anything that will keep you from focusing on what matters most.

#goodbetterbest

At this moment I would like to raise my hand as one who is guilty.

So very, very guilty. 

Not gonna say which show I binge-watched on Netflix this weekend but I can promise it didn't bring the same spirit that Conference did. 

So.

When distractions come along.

When you are being sorely tempted.

When the devil sends forth his mighty winds. 

Yea, his shafts in the whirlwind. 

When all his hail, 

And his mighty storm shall beat upon you, 

What are you going to do?

#helaman5:12

You are planted in good soil.
You have a sturdy foundation.
But are you going to bend?

Right here and right now I am encouraging you to stand tall in the face of the storm. 

I believe in you.
And our Heavenly Father does too.

-Em

Marriage vs. Mission

Just by the title you know that this post is going to be a doozy. 

My apologies.

I've written before about how I have planned on going on a mission my entire life.

Forever.

Both my parents are RMs and I honestly didn't know until I was maybe 9 that everyone didn't serve missions. 

I thought both guys and girls served missions before they got married. 

Consequently, I harbored some resentment against those who chose to get married instead of going on a mission. 

I just didn't understand.

There was your whole life to get married, plus eternity after that, so why not serve a mission first?

My mother got married at 23 and she is my hero, so that seemed like the perfect age. 

All these women getting married younger than that, well that is just crazy!

(My super cute parents in 1992)

Obviously, I had some stuff to figure out about life. 

In high school I remember going to wedding receptions of people not that much older than me and being very weirded out by the whole thing. 

And in university when girls on my team or in my classes were getting engaged, well that was weird too. 

For someone who never had a boyfriend the idea that people my age were ready for marriage was like a system overload. 

It didn't compute.

(That was really nerdy, but I just picture a little robot in my head crashing into things with smoke coming out of its brain when couples get married young)

Then one of my best friends got engaged. 

And I was at home, not at school and so I missed the whole "them dating and falling in love" part. 

But this girl, she is the wisest person in my squad, and so if she was ready for marriage than she was ready for marriage and I trusted that. 

(Aren't they just the sweetest?)

Her engagement and subsequent marriage got me thinking.

Thinking about my squad and my friends.

Because this was the start of my close friends getting married. 

At 20 years old this was the beginning of the end. 

Soon our adventures would all include our husbands and our children. 

It could never go back to the way it was. 

(That all sounds really dramatic but that is where my head was for a while)

And Heavenly Father, 

Oh, my loving Heavenly Father who knows my heart. 

Who is very aware of the aforementioned thoughts and feelings I had.

Who gives us opportunities to grow whether we want to or not...

*Sigh*

Recently, I had an interesting experience. 

Where I felt the spirit prompting me towards a young man I am acquainted with. 

And that threw me for a loop.

Without going into details. 

Without mentioning names. 

Without divulging anything that you don't need to know.

I was having a trial of faith over this. 

That sounds so dramatic. 

All of this sounds so dramatic.

But really, it was this life-changing moment where all of a sudden,

Up was Down.

Left was Right. 

And I didn't know if I was supposed to be preparing for mission or marriage.

(Full disclosure: I hadn't even gone on a date with aforementioned young man)

BUT STILL!

I was questioning everything. 

Why would I feel this prompting when Heavenly Father KNEW I was going on a mission?

Him and I had TALKED about this! 

I was going on a mission.
It had been the plan for years. 

So why was He now changing the plan?

I began to feel that my preparations to go on a mission were taking too long.
I had missed my chance.

The people I needed to teach had already been taught by some sisters way more prepared than I.

And so I might as well skip the mission and just get married. 

(Seriously, I know how screwed up that thinking is, reading it over now I don't even want you to read it, because I am so embarrassed by it. I'm sorry.)

And so, when facing a trial of faith such as this, do you know what I did?

I started praying.
More often.

More earnestly. 

With more determination for an answer than ever. 

Because I was so very confused. 

I looked at how to transfer from my school in Virginia to his school. 

I thought long and hard about how to come to grips with not serving a mission.

I read the scriptures and every talk I could find on dating and marriage.

And I worked on my Pinterest account (the most crucial part of course).

But most important of all, I moved forward in faith.

If this is what Heavenly Father wanted me to do than okay. 

I would change my plans. 

In this time I had so many heart to hearts with my Father in Heaven. 

I would just walk and talk to Him as if He was standing right next to me. 

After weeks of asking and praying and searching for guidance I felt peace about continuing my preparation to serve a mission. 

And it didn't feel like there was this huge weight off my shoulders. 

Or that all my dreams were coming true. 

 I had accepted Heavenly Father's will, no matter what it was, and when the answer came I was prepared to receive it. 

So to all my friends who are married/getting married at a young age, you do you. 

As long as you are doing Heavenly Father's will kudos to you. 

And it is hard choosing between two good things. 

Mission vs. Marriage

But that mission versus marriage thing is dumb anyways.

Go on a mission then get married.
Get married then go on a mission.
Let your mission be your marriage. 

God will use you to further the work in whatever way He sees fit. 

Our job is just to be worthy of being His servants.

And I believe in you. 

Love, Em

A Sense of Humour

How often have you heard in the church that Heavenly Father has a sense of humour?

I feel like I hear it all the time.

In regards to the crazy journeys our lives take us on.
In regards to what happens.

In regards to those moments when life flips a 180 and then we are going a completely different direction than we thought we were going. 

It seems that Heavenly Father's sense of humour is in hearing our plans for our lives and then changing them, because we are like cute little toddlers who are making these grandiose plans and He comes in and fixes and tweaks and turns it into what is best for us. 

From my understanding, I view having a sense of humour as a divine trait.

Not the kind of humour that mocks or degrades.
Or the kind of humour that makes light of what is sacred.

And not the kind that seeks to harm or hurt.

But the kind of humour where one can laugh and play with children and friends, all while knowing that Satan and his angels fight against you day and night, mobs chase and persecute you, and that your divine call may end with your martyrdom. 

The kind of humour that allows pioneers with rags tied around their feet, and the graves of their kin miles behind them, to press on day by day and find joy in the journey to Zion.

The kind of humour that gets thousands of young men and young women through the hardest time of their life as they endeavour to serve God with all their heart, might, mind and strength while bringing others unto Christ.

I feel that having a sense of humour is something we all should strive for. 

By facing the moments where everything goes wrong with a laugh and a "well it could be worse", is a trait that will bless you throughout your life. 

I have had so many moments in my life where I could have cried and argued and moaned with despair because things weren't working out my way.

And trust me I have chosen to do that on more occasions than I care to admit.

But I have also had many moments where I chose to smile, and just roll with the punches. 

Where I chose to laugh when everything goes wrong. 

Example:

I think I have mentioned this before, but I have had like 5 eye surgeries and they all were in my senior year of high school. It is kind of gross, but they would put a tube into my tear duct to help it drain and the success of this surgery depended on the tube staying in.
Also, this has like a 90 % success rate.

Now I want you to contrast 90% success rate with 5 surgeries....

Obviously, something was going wrong there. 

So after like my third surgery, I came home from the hospital with this tube in my eye, hoping and praying that this surgery would work. 

Eventually, the tube came out. 

And when it did I laughed. 

And laughed and laughed and laughed. 

It just popped right out of my eye.

And I said jokingly to my mom, "Oh that Dr. Ashenhurst likes me so much, he just wants me to keep coming back I guess."

And life went on. 

I didn't always have a good attitude about tubes coming out of my eye, but it was so much more fun when I did. 

And my life right now. 

How laughable is this?

All my high school friends are coming home from missions, and I, the most determined of them all to serve hasn't gone yet.

I have sent countless friends out to serve missions. 

But Heavenly Father is in control and I know that.

So when I am faced with those choices, in the moments where I could either scream and cry or just laugh, I try to choose laughter. 

Heavenly Father wants us to have joy and be happy. 

What moments in your life have you chosen to develop the gift of having a sense of humour?

Heavenly Answers

I swear I have about ten drafts of different posts that are waiting for either photos, or a final read through, or for the right story to be added and then I will post them. 

But I haven't gotten there yet.

Instead of talking about all the stuff that goes into submitting your mission papers, or my pre-mission playlist, or where I am at with ARP, or even where I am at with going on a mission I've got something else I want to talk about today.

But before I do I just want to do a shoutout to Sister Gorham, who leaves for her mission to Winnipeg Canada next week! 

(And I have the cutest friends ever)

Today I am writing a bit off topic and I want to start with a question.

How does Heavenly Father talk to you?

That has been one of the big questions I have had this year for myself.

I know I have a Heavenly Father who loves me.

I know that if I am worthy I can have the Holy Ghost with me always.

I know I've received promptings and revelation before. 

But when I have a question and am looking for an answer how do I find it?

This may sound dumb because as I previously said I have received answers before.

But I wanted to have a clear way of recognizing the spirit, so that I could know what I was looking for.

And I wanted to know if maybe there were other ways of hearing the spirit that I could utilize.

On LDS.org I found a list of ways the Holy Ghost communicates:

Feelings of love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, faith or meekness

Thoughts that occupy the mind or press on your feelings

A desire to do good and obey the commandments

A feeling that something is right

Feelings of comfort

Feelings that enlarge the soul

Thoughts that enlighten your understanding

A hunger for more truth

Feeling encouraged to take an action

Feeling restrained from doing something

Burning in the bosom

And I found a list of ways to find answers to prayers in a talk given by Richard G. Scott called

Agency and Answers:

Look for Evidence He has already Answered you

 (Study D&C 6:14-15, and from the above list look for ways your prayers may have already been answered without you realizing)

Pay Attention to Feelings

 (Check out D&C 6:22-23, 9:8-9)

Act when He Withholds an Answer

This is why; 

When He answers yes He wants you to move forward with confidence. 

When He answers no He wants to prevent error.

And when He doesn't answer, it is to have us grow through faith in Him, obedience to the commandments and a willingness to act on truth.

If it is wrong Heavenly Father will stop you before you venture too far. 

But he wants you to be accountable and act in faith.

So without going into details I want to tell you about an experience I recently had. 

Since about January I would have this thought pop into my head over and over, telling me I needed to pray about this specific thing.

 And being the stubborn person I am, kept ignoring it because I thought it would be crazy for me to pray about that. 

Also I didn't want to know the answer, and I really just didn't fully realize that it was a prompting from the Spirit. 

So time passes. 

Then one day I was at the temple doing a session.

And while I'm sitting in the celestial room this thought comes into my head again.

So I bow down my head and ask Heavenly Father about it.

You don't need to know the answer I got or what this was about, but I was definitely ignoring promptings for months upon months. 

#goodjobemma

#facepalm 

That experience caused me to look into how the spirit communicates, so I can know when I am being prompted so hopefully my thick-headedness doesn't keep me from receiving answers I need again. 

So how does the spirit speak to you?

Goodbye Lies

Step 1: Honesty

In the Addiction Recovery Program step 1 is HONESTY.

The Key Principle is to admit that you, of yourself are powerless to overcome your addictions and that your life has become unmanageable.

Who would want to admit that?

Who would ever want to admit that they had screwed up their life? 

That the agency that they were given they had used unwisely, and they were now powerless?
Who wants to admit they failed?

Not me said the flea.

But when you are broken, hopeless, past the point of no return, incapable of change etc....

What else is there to do but admit defeat?

Step 1 talks about how many of us began our addictions out of curiosity, some became involved because of a justifiable need for a prescription drug and some out of an act of rebellion. 

Many began this path when barely older than children. 

It goes on to say that, "Whatever our motive for starting and our circumstances, we soon discovered that the addiction relieved more than just physical pain. It provided stimulation or numbed painful feelings or moods. It helped us avoid the problems we faced–or so we thought. For a while, we felt free of fear, loneliness, discouragement, regret or boredom. But because life is full of conditions that prompt these kinds of feelings, we resorted to our addictions more and more often. Still, most of us failed to recognize or admit that we had lost the ability to resist and abstain on our own."

Just take a moment and think about what was said in the above paragraph. 

And think about those you know who struggle with addictions.

And consider being a bit more charitable to those who are ensnared. 

Now listen to this quote from Elder Russell M. Nelson, 

"Addiction surrenders later freedom to choose. Through chemical means, one can literally become disconnected from his or her own will."

Raise your hand if you know what that feels like or know someone who that sounds like.

(Also why does she have only 3 fingers and a thumb? Kinda weird looking....)

Rarely do people caught in addictive behaviours admit to being addicted. 

To deny the seriousness of our condition and to avoid detection and the consequences of our choices we tried to minimize or hide our behaviours.

We did not realize that by deceiving others and ourselves, we slipped deeper into our addictions.

My sister has an expression for people who are mentally ill or suffer from addictions, or just people she thinks aren't thinking clearly. 

She says that "their perception is distorted."

I completely agree with her on that. 

Like it says above, by hiding our addictions we slip deeper into them.

And for myself I often think, oh it isn't that big of a deal.

I can fix this by myself, I just need time. So I'm just going to lie a little bit, just to cover for a while, so I can fix this.

But I can't as hard as I try.

And so I keep lying. 

And lying.

And lying.

Till it feels like my whole life is a big lie and I don't know how to get out of it or stop lying because I don't even remember where it all started or how I got into this mess in the first place.

#addictbrain

In the scriptures it talks about flaxen cords.

(2nd Nephi 26:22 in case you want to look it up in your scriptures)

And basically there are these flaxen cords which are easy to break when it is just one by itself, but as you wrap them around over and over, as you continue lying, continue in your addiction, and never stop and break the flaxen cords they get tighter and tighter, until one day it is tied too tight for you to do anything about it. 

The flaxen cord is now a chain that you by yourself are not strong enough to break.

We could no longer hide our addictions by telling one more lie or by saying, "it's not that bad."

And when you get to that point there is one way out of it. 

You have to admit defeat.

Once you realize you can't keep lying to yourself and you look into your past and see all of your mistakes along the way, and you look ahead to what your future will look like if you don't change, it all becomes clear.

The addiction is destroying your life. 

But the amazing thing about that realization is that by admitting you are defeated you can recover.

How can you recover?

Please flip your scriptures open to;

Luke 7:36-50

I know it feels like a lot of verses but seriously, humour me for a minute, this is one of my favourite scripture passages.

You've got to turn to your Saviour.

(Ok, technically turning to your Savior is the third step but it is every single step. I warned you in my last post that I would talk about the Atonement in every post about ARP, and I was not lying.)

I love this woman.

Her humility and love of her Saviour Jesus Christ is something I strive for and want to emulate. 

I am so flawed.

And there is so much I need forgiven. 

But I know that I am not alone in this. 

I need the Atonement every single day of my life. 

And I need you to know something,

There is no way on Earth that I, Emma Noel Atwood, could ever change my life without the Atonement and without the love of my Heavenly Parents and Jesus Christ. 

I have tried and failed for years. 

I have lived helpless for too long.
Until the day came where I hit rock bottom. 

And I stayed there for a while, doomed to remain there forever at only 20 years old.

Finally I rolled out of my bed and onto my knees and I just sat there for a while.

I didn't know what to say.

And so I said sorry, truthfully, heart-wrenchingly apologizing for how bad I had messed up my life.

And I admitted I was trapped. 

And all my problems were solved the end. 

Nope.

Sorry.
Life doesn't work that way.

I kept praying every day. 

At that point that was all I could do. 

And I gradually got to the point where my broken heart met a contrite spirit. 

Where I was finally ready to think about changing. 

As the months have flown past me I may not have physically changed, but spiritually I have had a serious humbling.

My pride got smacked down so hard I am unsure it will ever recover, and I don't want it to.

I came home from school 7 months ago.

And I still am months away from going on a mission. 

But I am so grateful that God will never give up on me. 

He has promised that.
He will never ever, no matter what I do or how far I wander, give up on me.

I am doing the work though.

The Action Steps for Honesty is be willing to abstain, let go of pride and seek humility, and admit the problem, seek help, and attend meetings.

#workinprogress

Thanks for reading guys. 

Update: Read this talk. Seriously, I am mind-blown.
Sheri Dew is #goals
https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/sheri-l-dew_born-lead-born-glory/