Hi.
First off I am horrible.
I have TWELVE drafts of blog posts right now.
Just chilling.
Some with only a concept idea for a post and others are pretty much ready to be published.
And yet here we are, having gone weeks without a post.
Sorry.
So I wanted to share an experience I had a few weeks ago when I was between jobs.
I just need to say before I begin my story that God has a plan.
And a sense of humour.
I put in my two weeks notice for where I was working.
And I didn't have another job to go to.
But I was like, this will be good.
I will get a break.
Time to figure things out for a few weeks as I look for a job.
Ha.
That was NOT God's plan for me.
(Accurate representation of my face when I realized this wasn't going to go how I wanted)
During my last week at work my amazing High School Seminary teacher posted on Facebook about needing a substitute teacher and HOW COULD I NOT APPLY?
Obviously I HAD to.
Looking back now I'm not sure why I was so set on doing this.
Well I understand but I don't know why I didn't see it as fishy before.
Regardless,
I went and chatted with Bro Scott, (Seminary Principal and aforementioned amazing high school seminary teacher), and was invited to teach, even though I was a 20 year old not RM.
It was awesome.
I subbed for 3 days.
9 classes.
And half of my students I was in high school with once upon a time.
Need to go back and read that last line?
Cause when I realized that I looked a lot like this.
I didn't fully comprehend that I would be teaching people who aren't that much younger than I am.
Who I had taken Seminary with when I was in Grades 11 & 12.
It was weird.
I've taught Relief Society.
And subbed in Primary.
But now I was teaching high schoolers I had been in high school with.
#soweird
But it was so good.
Not that I needed to be reminded that I had a testimony, but as President Boyd K. Packer said,
"A testimony is found in the bearing of it."
I'm going to be honest with you all right now.
The past few months have been really hard for me.
Even more honest,
The past year has been really hard for me.
I'm ashamed to admit how much I struggle with what appears to be the simplest things sometimes.
And I like everyone to think I'm amazing and great and this fantastic role model and example.
I work hard to be a good example and appear as such.
I work hard at being positive and happy.
And I am.
But at the same time I am dealing with the fact that my greatest weakness, my life-long struggle, and the part of me I hate the most, is the only thing holding me back from what I want most in the world.
Which is to serve a mission.
And that sucks.
That really, really sucks.
And I have gone through the stages of grief.
At first I denied that there was anything wrong, that this was going to be hard, or that it would take any major changes in my life to lose the weight I need to.
Then I was angry.
I was angry at my Heavenly Father for picking on my weaknesses so much this year, and for having this be the thing to hold me back.
I was mad at Him for the genetic makeup He gave me, for the life experiences I had that led to a food addiction, and for a million other things that just built up into one rage-filled Emma.
I tried bargaining.
I wanted Heavenly Father to just take this problem away. I would do anything if He would take it away.
At one of my worst, dumbest, I feel stupid for sharing this but it's coming out anyways, I wanted something to happen; a car accident, a curable but hospital inducing disease, something where I could lay in a hospital bed and not starve but live off an IV and drop all the weight because I wasn't eating.
Yep, I am aware of how messed up that sounds.
But I was desperate.
I am desperate- but I was mainly desperate to do something hard without doing any of the work at that point.
Then I was depressed.
I went back to the place I always go to-maybe I'm not supposed to go on a mission.
Which isn't a happy place for me.
Because a mission is what I've always worked towards.
It has always been the goal.
And I don't know who I am without that goal.
But it felt too difficult to lose weight, so much that it seemed easier to just give up on me than lose weight.
Now I'm at acceptance.
And I accept that this sucks.
I accept that this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
And it is the hardest thing God has ever asked me to do.
But going back to me teaching seminary, God wants us to succeed.
And that is what the lessons I was asked to teach were all about.
God wants us to succeed and be happy and be with Him.
That is all He has ever wanted for His children.
And He would not ask us to do something that wasn't for our benefit.
So as much as this completely sucks,
I know who is on my side.
I have tried to lose weight since I was 11 years old.
That was the first time I realized I didn't look the same as the other kids my age.
I have done youth weight loss programs, been enrolled in LifeStyles, I've played sports, tried diets, had walking buddies and work out buddies, monitored my eating.
I've tried it all.
I've wished I had an eating disorder because it seemed easier to fix my brain from anorexia or bulimia than fix it from the food addiction I've had for years.
(If anyone who is reading this has suffered from an eating disorder I am sorry for those thoughts I had, all eating disorders suck and mess with your brain, and when you're suffering with one (overeating) sometimes the grass looks greener on the other side.)
But this time I am doing something different than I have done before.
My new weight loss regime?
Pray every day.
Walk 10,000 steps a day.
Study my scriptures for 30 minutes every day.
Eat 3 servings of vegetables and 2 servings of fruit daily.
Attend church every week.
Drink 64 oz. of water.
Go to institute as often as possible.
Exercise 45 minutes every day.
Do a session at the temple every week.
I can't do this without God.
I really can't.
I have tried for years and failed.
But doing it this way, I have hope that I can actually succeed.
So in case you've wondered where I've been the past two months,
I have been going through the stages of grief until finally I could accept my Heavenly Father's love.
And embraced the enabling power of the Atonement, which will help me overcome the food addiction I have and learn to love myself as I put myself first and my health first, for the first time ever and for forever.
Before I finish up I just want to say that I feel the prayers of those who are praying for me and my success in this, and I am so grateful.
Thank you.
And if you see me walking into the Sweet Shop, or Reddi-Mart, or Dairy Queen etc...
Be a friend and slap whatever sweets I have found out of my hand and remind me of all the progress I am making and still have to make.
You're a peach.
Love, Em
First off I am horrible.
I have TWELVE drafts of blog posts right now.
Just chilling.
Some with only a concept idea for a post and others are pretty much ready to be published.
And yet here we are, having gone weeks without a post.
Sorry.
So I wanted to share an experience I had a few weeks ago when I was between jobs.
I just need to say before I begin my story that God has a plan.
And a sense of humour.
I put in my two weeks notice for where I was working.
And I didn't have another job to go to.
But I was like, this will be good.
I will get a break.
Time to figure things out for a few weeks as I look for a job.
Ha.
That was NOT God's plan for me.
(Accurate representation of my face when I realized this wasn't going to go how I wanted)
During my last week at work my amazing High School Seminary teacher posted on Facebook about needing a substitute teacher and HOW COULD I NOT APPLY?
Obviously I HAD to.
Looking back now I'm not sure why I was so set on doing this.
Well I understand but I don't know why I didn't see it as fishy before.
Regardless,
I went and chatted with Bro Scott, (Seminary Principal and aforementioned amazing high school seminary teacher), and was invited to teach, even though I was a 20 year old not RM.
It was awesome.
I subbed for 3 days.
9 classes.
And half of my students I was in high school with once upon a time.
Need to go back and read that last line?
Cause when I realized that I looked a lot like this.
I didn't fully comprehend that I would be teaching people who aren't that much younger than I am.
Who I had taken Seminary with when I was in Grades 11 & 12.
It was weird.
I've taught Relief Society.
And subbed in Primary.
But now I was teaching high schoolers I had been in high school with.
#soweird
But it was so good.
Not that I needed to be reminded that I had a testimony, but as President Boyd K. Packer said,
"A testimony is found in the bearing of it."
I'm going to be honest with you all right now.
The past few months have been really hard for me.
Even more honest,
The past year has been really hard for me.
I'm ashamed to admit how much I struggle with what appears to be the simplest things sometimes.
And I like everyone to think I'm amazing and great and this fantastic role model and example.
I work hard to be a good example and appear as such.
I work hard at being positive and happy.
And I am.
But at the same time I am dealing with the fact that my greatest weakness, my life-long struggle, and the part of me I hate the most, is the only thing holding me back from what I want most in the world.
Which is to serve a mission.
And that sucks.
That really, really sucks.
And I have gone through the stages of grief.
At first I denied that there was anything wrong, that this was going to be hard, or that it would take any major changes in my life to lose the weight I need to.
Then I was angry.
I was angry at my Heavenly Father for picking on my weaknesses so much this year, and for having this be the thing to hold me back.
I was mad at Him for the genetic makeup He gave me, for the life experiences I had that led to a food addiction, and for a million other things that just built up into one rage-filled Emma.
I tried bargaining.
I wanted Heavenly Father to just take this problem away. I would do anything if He would take it away.
At one of my worst, dumbest, I feel stupid for sharing this but it's coming out anyways, I wanted something to happen; a car accident, a curable but hospital inducing disease, something where I could lay in a hospital bed and not starve but live off an IV and drop all the weight because I wasn't eating.
Yep, I am aware of how messed up that sounds.
But I was desperate.
I am desperate- but I was mainly desperate to do something hard without doing any of the work at that point.
Then I was depressed.
I went back to the place I always go to-maybe I'm not supposed to go on a mission.
Which isn't a happy place for me.
Because a mission is what I've always worked towards.
It has always been the goal.
And I don't know who I am without that goal.
But it felt too difficult to lose weight, so much that it seemed easier to just give up on me than lose weight.
Now I'm at acceptance.
And I accept that this sucks.
I accept that this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
And it is the hardest thing God has ever asked me to do.
But going back to me teaching seminary, God wants us to succeed.
And that is what the lessons I was asked to teach were all about.
God wants us to succeed and be happy and be with Him.
That is all He has ever wanted for His children.
And He would not ask us to do something that wasn't for our benefit.
So as much as this completely sucks,
I know who is on my side.
I have tried to lose weight since I was 11 years old.
That was the first time I realized I didn't look the same as the other kids my age.
I have done youth weight loss programs, been enrolled in LifeStyles, I've played sports, tried diets, had walking buddies and work out buddies, monitored my eating.
I've tried it all.
I've wished I had an eating disorder because it seemed easier to fix my brain from anorexia or bulimia than fix it from the food addiction I've had for years.
(If anyone who is reading this has suffered from an eating disorder I am sorry for those thoughts I had, all eating disorders suck and mess with your brain, and when you're suffering with one (overeating) sometimes the grass looks greener on the other side.)
But this time I am doing something different than I have done before.
My new weight loss regime?
Pray every day.
Walk 10,000 steps a day.
Study my scriptures for 30 minutes every day.
Eat 3 servings of vegetables and 2 servings of fruit daily.
Attend church every week.
Drink 64 oz. of water.
Go to institute as often as possible.
Exercise 45 minutes every day.
Do a session at the temple every week.
I can't do this without God.
I really can't.
I have tried for years and failed.
But doing it this way, I have hope that I can actually succeed.
So in case you've wondered where I've been the past two months,
I have been going through the stages of grief until finally I could accept my Heavenly Father's love.
And embraced the enabling power of the Atonement, which will help me overcome the food addiction I have and learn to love myself as I put myself first and my health first, for the first time ever and for forever.
Before I finish up I just want to say that I feel the prayers of those who are praying for me and my success in this, and I am so grateful.
Thank you.
And if you see me walking into the Sweet Shop, or Reddi-Mart, or Dairy Queen etc...
Be a friend and slap whatever sweets I have found out of my hand and remind me of all the progress I am making and still have to make.
You're a peach.
Love, Em
