True Confessions

Hey Team.

So true confessions:

I'm not doing so great. 

Remember my last post when I told you that was it?
There was no more secrets?

That I had told you all everything and I no longer had that "perfect" mask held up?

That was true.
Mostly.
I still got stuff I'm working on but the main things are out there. 

Since then I've realized I don't know how to function.
I don't know how to live in the moment. 

Or seize the day.

I don't know how to be okay with mistakes.

Or how to live my life in moderation and balance. 

And I don't know how to sustain "doing good" for more than 4 days in a row. 

Trust me, this has been the social experiment of the past year. 

My max is 4 days before I need to crash. 

How am I supposed to go on a mission like that?

The truth is- I know how to live behind the "perfect mask".

I know how to smile.

To make people believe me when I say, "I'm doing great!"

I know how to deflect questions and uplift those I talk to.
I am passionate about fixing the world and being a global citizen.
I wear my accomplishments with pride. 

I accept compliments with a thanks and a smile. 

I work hard to be a good example and be regarded as such.

I know how to believe and make others believe that I am this amazing person.

Then I write on this blog, confessing the things that I can't even get the courage to tell my parents face to face and people choose to call me brave. 

I don't feel very brave. 

In fact, I feel pretty broken. 

 I don't know how to accept less than perfection from myself. 

I am happy to cut others slack and allow them to struggle. 

I read all these articles on mental illness and try to help those I recognize the signs in. 

When it comes to everyone else I am a mental health advocate.

But when it comes to me, I don't deserve any coddling. 

I have to push through. 

I have to rise above. 

And not only do I have to overcome but I have to do it better than others. 

In case you haven't realized yet, my lifestyle is exhausting. 

That lifestyle is why I'm here.

Living at home at 21. 

Cause I couldn't keep up with my life.

It was too stressful, too hard, and for all intents and purposes I had a nervous breakdown.

Others last so much longer than me.
I've heard their stories. 

And I've heard some of your stories.

 I've discovered I'm not the only one who struggles with this. 

So as one perfectionist to another I want to encourage you to do something I am trying. 

Let the balls drop. 

Let go of whatever is stressing you out and not bringing you joy.

Let go of the food, netflix, or whatever it is you use to numb yourself. 

Let go of letting perfectionism run your life.

In 2017 I want you to prioritize your sanity. 

Because I am so tired. 

I am so tired of the crap. 

I am so tired of all the expectations I have put on myself.

And if you are a perfectionist like me I'm sure you feel that way too. 

So here is where I'm at. 

I'm going to meet with my family doctor this week. 

And maybe I go on meds for a while to manage this. 

I'm going to talk to a therapist about my issues. 

All of my issues. 

I've already ordered essential oils and am pursuing that as another form of healing. 

I have owned up to where I'm at with my family. 

And I am finally taking time to be broken. 

I want you to know I am still planning on going on a mission. 

And I love this quote and I believe it and live my life trusting it.

I am also trusting that God has given me time to heal and that time is now. 

So I am going to take a few months to do just that.

There is no better time to put your health first than today. 

And if you are broken too, lets own it. 

Let's make 2017 be a year of hope and healing for all of us. 

Love, Em

P.S. Listen to this song ;)