Goodbye Lies

Step 1: Honesty

In the Addiction Recovery Program step 1 is HONESTY.

The Key Principle is to admit that you, of yourself are powerless to overcome your addictions and that your life has become unmanageable.

Who would want to admit that?

Who would ever want to admit that they had screwed up their life? 

That the agency that they were given they had used unwisely, and they were now powerless?
Who wants to admit they failed?

Not me said the flea.

But when you are broken, hopeless, past the point of no return, incapable of change etc....

What else is there to do but admit defeat?

Step 1 talks about how many of us began our addictions out of curiosity, some became involved because of a justifiable need for a prescription drug and some out of an act of rebellion. 

Many began this path when barely older than children. 

It goes on to say that, "Whatever our motive for starting and our circumstances, we soon discovered that the addiction relieved more than just physical pain. It provided stimulation or numbed painful feelings or moods. It helped us avoid the problems we faced–or so we thought. For a while, we felt free of fear, loneliness, discouragement, regret or boredom. But because life is full of conditions that prompt these kinds of feelings, we resorted to our addictions more and more often. Still, most of us failed to recognize or admit that we had lost the ability to resist and abstain on our own."

Just take a moment and think about what was said in the above paragraph. 

And think about those you know who struggle with addictions.

And consider being a bit more charitable to those who are ensnared. 

Now listen to this quote from Elder Russell M. Nelson, 

"Addiction surrenders later freedom to choose. Through chemical means, one can literally become disconnected from his or her own will."

Raise your hand if you know what that feels like or know someone who that sounds like.

(Also why does she have only 3 fingers and a thumb? Kinda weird looking....)

Rarely do people caught in addictive behaviours admit to being addicted. 

To deny the seriousness of our condition and to avoid detection and the consequences of our choices we tried to minimize or hide our behaviours.

We did not realize that by deceiving others and ourselves, we slipped deeper into our addictions.

My sister has an expression for people who are mentally ill or suffer from addictions, or just people she thinks aren't thinking clearly. 

She says that "their perception is distorted."

I completely agree with her on that. 

Like it says above, by hiding our addictions we slip deeper into them.

And for myself I often think, oh it isn't that big of a deal.

I can fix this by myself, I just need time. So I'm just going to lie a little bit, just to cover for a while, so I can fix this.

But I can't as hard as I try.

And so I keep lying. 

And lying.

And lying.

Till it feels like my whole life is a big lie and I don't know how to get out of it or stop lying because I don't even remember where it all started or how I got into this mess in the first place.

#addictbrain

In the scriptures it talks about flaxen cords.

(2nd Nephi 26:22 in case you want to look it up in your scriptures)

And basically there are these flaxen cords which are easy to break when it is just one by itself, but as you wrap them around over and over, as you continue lying, continue in your addiction, and never stop and break the flaxen cords they get tighter and tighter, until one day it is tied too tight for you to do anything about it. 

The flaxen cord is now a chain that you by yourself are not strong enough to break.

We could no longer hide our addictions by telling one more lie or by saying, "it's not that bad."

And when you get to that point there is one way out of it. 

You have to admit defeat.

Once you realize you can't keep lying to yourself and you look into your past and see all of your mistakes along the way, and you look ahead to what your future will look like if you don't change, it all becomes clear.

The addiction is destroying your life. 

But the amazing thing about that realization is that by admitting you are defeated you can recover.

How can you recover?

Please flip your scriptures open to;

Luke 7:36-50

I know it feels like a lot of verses but seriously, humour me for a minute, this is one of my favourite scripture passages.

You've got to turn to your Saviour.

(Ok, technically turning to your Savior is the third step but it is every single step. I warned you in my last post that I would talk about the Atonement in every post about ARP, and I was not lying.)

I love this woman.

Her humility and love of her Saviour Jesus Christ is something I strive for and want to emulate. 

I am so flawed.

And there is so much I need forgiven. 

But I know that I am not alone in this. 

I need the Atonement every single day of my life. 

And I need you to know something,

There is no way on Earth that I, Emma Noel Atwood, could ever change my life without the Atonement and without the love of my Heavenly Parents and Jesus Christ. 

I have tried and failed for years. 

I have lived helpless for too long.
Until the day came where I hit rock bottom. 

And I stayed there for a while, doomed to remain there forever at only 20 years old.

Finally I rolled out of my bed and onto my knees and I just sat there for a while.

I didn't know what to say.

And so I said sorry, truthfully, heart-wrenchingly apologizing for how bad I had messed up my life.

And I admitted I was trapped. 

And all my problems were solved the end. 

Nope.

Sorry.
Life doesn't work that way.

I kept praying every day. 

At that point that was all I could do. 

And I gradually got to the point where my broken heart met a contrite spirit. 

Where I was finally ready to think about changing. 

As the months have flown past me I may not have physically changed, but spiritually I have had a serious humbling.

My pride got smacked down so hard I am unsure it will ever recover, and I don't want it to.

I came home from school 7 months ago.

And I still am months away from going on a mission. 

But I am so grateful that God will never give up on me. 

He has promised that.
He will never ever, no matter what I do or how far I wander, give up on me.

I am doing the work though.

The Action Steps for Honesty is be willing to abstain, let go of pride and seek humility, and admit the problem, seek help, and attend meetings.

#workinprogress

Thanks for reading guys. 

Update: Read this talk. Seriously, I am mind-blown.
Sheri Dew is #goals
https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/sheri-l-dew_born-lead-born-glory/

Intro to ARP

What on earth am I doing awake?

I went to the Nashville Tribute Band concert (amazing by the way) and got home at 11 pm.

Obviously I went straight down to my room to go to sleep.

Read my scriptures.
Put on pjs.

Washed off my makeup.

Prayed.

Climbed into bed.

And............ 

Couldn't fall asleep.

So I got up. 

Laid out my work clothes for tomorrow.

And my exercise clothes.

Read my scriptures some more.

Put lavender oil in my diffuser to make me sleepy.

Cleaned my room.

Made my bed.

And.........

Here I am.

Writing a blogpost. 

If this doesn't succeed in quieting down my brain and letting me sleep I am going to have to finish reading Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets which I started this evening,
 and I just don't think I can commit to that with work at 8:30 am.

In my previous blog post I told you that I have started 

THE ADDICTION RECOVERY PROGRAM. 

DUH DUH DUHHHHHHHH

Honestly, sometimes I think about all I have said on this blog and just want to never go out again. Because I tell the world everything. 

Want to know my secrets? 

Read my blog. 

And join me in realizing that secrets aren't secrets once you put them on the internet. 

But since I have committed to being so extremely candid with you I will continue telling you about the ARP program and all I am learning, thinking, feeling and experiencing.

In the Introduction to the Addictions Recovery Manual it talks about how through the Atonement of Jesus Christ we are healed. 

I want to focus on that for a minute.

Those of us who live with daily depression, anxiety, fear and debilitating anger can experience joy and peace. 

The power of the Savior can turn our most devastating defeats into glorious spiritual victories. 

And we can witness miracles in our lives and in the lives of those around us who are ensnared in addictions. 

I hate how often I relate to what is said in this manual.

Part of me hoped when I started this program that I wouldn't get anything out of it,
 that I wouldn't relate to anything,
 and that it would be obvious that I didn't need to do this because it didn't apply...

It does.

This manual is written by those who have recovered from their addictions. 

And they speak with experience and truth.

The way they explain how they once thought, and the fact they don't think that way anymore is unbelievable. 

"We have paid an awful price in self-inflicted pain and suffering because of our addictions. But blessings have poured forth as we have taken each step to recovery. Having had a spiritual awakening, we strive every day to improve our relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. Through the Atonement of Jesus Christ we are healed."

I've talked about the Atonement a time or two before on this blog.
If you are in my relief society class or have been in a relief society class I have previously taught you have heard me talk about the Atonement. 

If we have every had a spiritual talk you've heard me talk about the Atonement.

That is because everything in the gospel loops back to the Atonement.

(BTW Hugo Montoya is forever the best name)

And I understand on a basic level the Atonement.
And I get how the Atonement applies to everyone else.

I have seen it work in other people's lives.

I know sins can be forgiven. 

Lives can be changed. 

Hope can be found.

Through the Atonement.

But as for applying to my sins?

As for healing me? 

Nope.

I am not there yet. 

It is something I am working on. 

Especially the enabling power of the Atonement. 

Now I'm not trying to skip ahead to the steps of the program because this blog post is specifically about the 

 Introduction to the Addiction to Recovery Program.

But spoiler: It all goes back to the Atonement.

Like Handel said in The Messiah, 

and you know, Isaiah said in the Book of Isaiah who Handel quoted,

"Through His stripes we are healed."

Before I go deeper into gospel stuff I have a few more things to say. 

Addiction cannot be conquered by willpower alone. Many people become so dependent on a behavior or a substance they no longer see how to abstain from it. These substances and behaviors diminish a person's ability to feel the Spirit. They harms physical and mental health and emotional, social and spiritual well-being. 

Dallin H. Oaks said, "We should avoid any behavior that is addictive. Whatever is addictive compromises our will. Subjecting our will to the overbearing impulses by any form of addiction serves Satan's purposes and subverts our Heavenly Father's... We can avoid addictions by keeping the commandments of God."

As someone who has been there/is there/recovering from there/29 days off sugar/still has food addiction/shopping addiction/has no willpower and struggles with an addictive personality/needs addiction recovery for everything, 

I want to testify of something. 

Satan is real.

And his plan in Heaven, the plan where he wanted us to be without agency and we would all make it back to Heaven but we wouldn't be able to choose that path, he is still trying to make that work here, minus the heaven part. 

Satan doesn't want us to use our agency.

And he is so cunning and smart.
He is very good at what he does.

He tricks you into thinking you are choosing for yourself, but really you are just giving up your agency.

And you give it up piece by piece until you no longer have control over your life. 

But God is also real.

And Jesus Christ is real. 

Our Savior Jesus Christ died on a cross, bled from every pore in Gethsemane and suffered pains and afflictions of every kind for us, so that we can have hope. 

That through the Atonement we can be healed and our agency can be returned to us. 

I am feeling that slowly but surely. 

Over the years I have given up my agency piece by piece as flaxen cords have gotten tighter and tighter around my wrists.

I have seriously screwed up my life.
And I have lost control.

But I have hope. 

I want to end with a quote from the manual, 

"If you suspect you are addicted and if you feel even the smallest desire to break free, we invite you to join us in studying and applying the principles of the gospel of Jesus Christ as they are taught in this guide. We assure you that if you follow this path with a sincere heart, you will find the power you need to recover from addiction. As you apply each of these twelve principles faithfully, the Saviour will strengthen you and you will come to know the truth and the truth shall make you free."

12 Steps to Freedom

Hi. 

My name is Emma and I am a foodaholic.

:P

But in all honesty I do have a food addiction.

And so with the help of my Heavenly Father and some really amazing friends I have started the Addiction Recovery Program.

Ya.

But honestly truly, this program is divinely inspired and I know that to be true. 

The 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous has been adapted into a framework of the doctrines, principles and beliefs of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. 

12 Steps to Change Trailer

So, in my usual, probably too honest way, I am going to talk about the Addictions Recovery Program and its steps as I go through the program.

I am sharing this for a few reasons.

First- I am not the only one. 

For some of you reading you also struggle with food addiction, in the LDS church it is a common problem. 

For others it is pornography.

Sex addiction.
Alcoholism. 

Drugs, illegal or prescription. 

Shopping.

Cell phones.

Exercise. 

Etc....

There are a million things you can become addicted to.

And in this day and age Satan is working so hard to keep us from staying on the path, and to distract us and tempt us and lead us away from our Heavenly Father.

Second- Everyone should read the ARP manual.

If you are going on a mission you should read it. I guarantee there will be someone you meet on your mission who is struggling with an addiction and you will be able to help them more because you know the program. 

If you are a regular human being just living your life, you should know the ARP manual. Because either you, a family member, friend, person in your ward, coworker, classmate, person you are yet to meet, someone has an addiction. 

And because you know the program and know the steps you will be able to provide not only hope and encouragement but also genuine assistance.

I start Step 2 tonight and will be posting soon about Step 1.

God speed and Good luck with the trials you have facing you in your lives.

Through Christ's atonement any sin can be forgiven, any fault can be repaired, and any damage you have caused can be healed through Him.

#throughHisname

Sister Seminary Teacher

Hi.

First off I am horrible.
I have TWELVE drafts of blog posts right now.
Just chilling.
Some with only a concept idea for a post and others are pretty much ready to be published.
And yet here we are, having gone weeks without a post.
Sorry.

So I wanted to share an experience I had a few weeks ago when I was between jobs.
I just need to say before I begin my story that God has a plan.
And a sense of humour.
I put in my two weeks notice for where I was working.
And I didn't have another job to go to.
But I was like, this will be good.
I will get a break.
Time to figure things out for a few weeks as I look for a job.
Ha.
That was NOT God's plan for me.


(Accurate representation of my face when I realized this wasn't going to go how I wanted)

During my last week at work my amazing High School Seminary teacher posted on Facebook about needing a substitute teacher and HOW COULD I NOT APPLY?
Obviously I HAD to.
Looking back now I'm not sure why I was so set on doing this.
Well I understand but I don't know why I didn't see it as fishy before.

Regardless,
I went and chatted with Bro Scott, (Seminary Principal and aforementioned amazing high school seminary teacher), and was invited to teach, even though I was a 20 year old not RM.

It was awesome.

I subbed for 3 days.
9 classes.
And half of my students I was in high school with once upon a time.

Need to go back and read that last line?
Cause when I realized that I looked a lot like this.



I didn't fully comprehend that I would be teaching people who aren't that much younger than I am.
Who I had taken Seminary with when I was in Grades 11 & 12.

It was weird.

I've taught Relief Society.

And subbed in Primary.

But now I was teaching high schoolers I had been in high school with.

#soweird

But it was so good.
Not that I needed to be reminded that I had a testimony, but as President Boyd K. Packer said,
"A testimony is found in the bearing of it."

I'm going to be honest with you all right now.
The past few months have been really hard for me.
Even more honest,
The past year has been really hard for me.

I'm ashamed to admit how much I struggle with what appears to be the simplest things sometimes.

And I like everyone to think I'm amazing and great and this fantastic role model and example.
I work hard to be a good example and appear as such.
I work hard at being positive and happy.
And I am.

But at the same time I am dealing with the fact that my greatest weakness, my life-long struggle, and the part of me I hate the most, is the only thing holding me back from what I want most in the world.
Which is to serve a mission.

And that sucks.

That really, really sucks.

And I have gone through the stages of grief.

At first I denied that there was anything wrong, that this was going to be hard, or that it would take any major changes in my life to lose the weight I need to.

Then I was angry.
I was angry at my Heavenly Father for picking on my weaknesses so much this year, and for having this be the thing to hold me back.
 I was mad at Him for the genetic makeup He gave me, for the life experiences I had that led to a food addiction, and for a million other things that just built up into one rage-filled Emma.

I tried bargaining.
I wanted Heavenly Father to just take this problem away. I would do anything if He would take it away.
At one of my worst, dumbest, I feel stupid for sharing this but it's coming out anyways, I wanted something to happen; a car accident, a curable but hospital inducing disease, something where I could lay in a hospital bed and not starve but live off an IV and drop all the weight because I wasn't eating.
Yep, I am aware of how messed up that sounds.
But I was desperate.
I am desperate- but I was mainly desperate to do something hard without doing any of the work at that point.

Then I was depressed.
I went back to the place I always go to-maybe I'm not supposed to go on a mission.
Which isn't a happy place for me.
Because a mission is what I've always worked towards.
It has always been the goal.
And I don't know who I am without that goal.
But it felt too difficult to lose weight, so much that it seemed easier to just give up on me than lose weight.

Now I'm at acceptance.
And I accept that this sucks.
I accept that this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
And it is the hardest thing God has ever asked me to do.
But going back to me teaching seminary, God wants us to succeed.
And that is what the lessons I was asked to teach were all about.
God wants us to succeed and be happy and be with Him.
That is all He has ever wanted for His children.
And He would not ask us to do something that wasn't for our benefit.
So as much as this completely sucks,
I know who is on my side.

I have tried to lose weight since I was 11 years old.
That was the first time I realized I didn't look the same as the other kids my age.
I have done youth weight loss programs, been enrolled in LifeStyles, I've played sports, tried diets, had walking buddies and work out buddies, monitored my eating.
I've tried it all.
I've wished I had an eating disorder because it seemed easier to fix my brain from anorexia or bulimia than fix it from the food addiction I've had for years.
(If anyone who is reading this has suffered from an eating disorder I am sorry for those thoughts I had, all eating disorders suck and mess with your brain, and when you're suffering with one (overeating) sometimes the grass looks greener on the other side.)
But this time I am doing something different than I have done before.

My new weight loss regime?
Pray every day.
Walk 10,000 steps a day.
Study my scriptures for 30 minutes every day.
Eat 3 servings of vegetables and 2 servings of fruit daily.
Attend church every week.
Drink 64 oz. of water.
Go to institute as often as possible.
Exercise 45 minutes every day.
Do a session at the temple every week.

I can't do this without God.
I really can't.
I have tried for years and failed.
But doing it this way, I have hope that I can actually succeed.

So in case you've wondered where I've been the past two months,
I have been going through the stages of grief until finally I could accept my Heavenly Father's love.
And embraced the enabling power of the Atonement, which will help me overcome the food addiction I have and learn to love myself as I put myself first and my health first, for the first time ever and for forever.
Before I finish up I just want to say that I feel the prayers of those who are praying for me and my success in this, and I am so grateful.

Thank you.

And if you see me walking into the Sweet Shop, or Reddi-Mart, or Dairy Queen etc...
Be a friend and slap whatever sweets I have found out of my hand and remind me of all the progress I am making and still have to make.
You're a peach.

Love, Em

Laman, Lemuel & I

1 Nephi 3:5

And now, behold thy brothers murmur, saying it is a hard thing which I have required of them; but behold I have not required it of them, but it is a commandment of the Lord.

Dear readers I have a confession...
When I have read First Nephi I have always identified more with Laman and Lemuel than with Nephi or Sam.
And I am sure I am not the only one.



In fact the time I related most with Nephi was during his lament comprising of 2 Nephi 4:15-33.
Wherein he felt remorse over how easily he was beset by temptations and sins.

While I saw similarities with myself and Laman & Lemuel, I should clarify that I would never tie up my siblings and leave them for dead, and hopefully never act contrary to the commands I had received from an angel.
But I have often felt that what Heavenly Father is asking of me is a hard thing.

I have been given callings that were out of my comfort zone and difficult for me to do well.
I have received promptings I didn't want to follow through on.
I have at times felt that going to church every week was hard.
Reading my scriptures daily was hard.
Praying multiple times a day was hard.

God never asked me to do something that was easy.

Let me just repeat that for you...

GOD NEVER ASKED ME TO DO SOMETHING THAT WAS EASY.

Why is that?

Because, He has said that, "For behold, this is my work and my glory– to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man."
-Moses 1:39

Because of the fall of Adam and Eve we all are fallen.
But through Jesus Christ we all will be lifted up at the last day.
Our mortal will put on immortal.
Corruption shall put on incorruption.
And we will finally be able to reach perfection.
That is what our Heavenly Father wants for us.



He wants us to be with Him forever.
But to be with Him we must overcome the natural man.
Which is no easy task.

But He has promised it is doable.

He has given us help in so many ways.
He is there-we can always turn to Him and talk with Him.
We have the Holy Ghost as a comforter and as a guide to lead us where we should go.
We have Jesus Christ and His everlasting atonement, wherein He felt our sins as well our sorrows and knows how to succor us in times of need.

We have the scriptures as well as the Ensign & Liahona, the New Era and the Friend all containing the words of prophets designed to help us and provide strength in these days.
We have family and friends put into our lives to support us.
We have church leaders, not only to counsel with but also there to provide a shoulder to cry on and to help us bear our burdens when needed.
We have temples as places of refuge and peace where clarity can be found.
We have seminary and institute as well as church classes to teach us what we need to do.

And we have the knowledge of the Plan of Salvation.
A knowledge that can get us through the hardest of times by remembering God wants us to be happy and have joy.
As His children He wants us to return to be with Him where the greatest joy can be found.

And with that knowledge anything is possible.



So as someone who has grumbled and complained along the way for far too long
I have something to share.

And though it feels like every part of me is screaming out to keep this private and to keep this struggle inside, I know that this blog is not meant to just be my personal thoughts for myself alone.
This blog is for those who feel like they are alone in their mission struggles.
Those who feel misunderstood by those who mean so well.
Those who are ashamed to speak up about something that should be "The Best Two Years" yet is fraught with earthly trials.

I am facing another mission delay.

I have not "messed up" along the path.
My delays are not based upon any moral ambiguity.
(Though for those who are encountering such delays this post is as much for you as it is for anyone)
My delays are based upon a weightier matter.

Namely, my weight.

I was a chubby baby.



I was a chubby toddler.



I was a chubby child.



I was a chubby teenager.



And at 20 years old I am a chubby adult.



Before I am able to go on a mission I need to lose weight.

I suspected when I first began the process of working on my papers that this would be the case.
But as time went on no one talked to me about it.
My doctor cleared me.
My bishop cleared me.
My stake president cleared me.
All felt I would be suitable for full missionary service.

And so my papers went in.

Days turned into weeks that turned into months as my call didn't arrive.
There were other delays that I have talked about in previous posts that were properly dealt with.
Still I waited.
Until about two weeks ago I was called in to meet with my home ward bishop.

(Bishop if you are reading this you did a fantastic job handling a potentially awkward conversation)

Meeting with him I was told my stake president had just found out from the mission department that I could not go on a mission till I lost some weight.
Now a lady never reveals her weight so I am not going to talk about where I'm at, where I need to be or how much I need to lose.
But it is enough that I will be home for a few more months working on this.


(This is my typical response to being told I need to lose weight)

I want you all to know I am at peace with this.

I have tried hundreds of times to lose weight with minimal success.
But what have I left out each time?
My Savior, Jesus Christ.

As Phillipians 4:7 states;
"I can do all things through Christ which strenghteneth me."

We talk so often of the redemptive power of the Atonement.
That the Atonement is how one repents.
But we don't focus enough on the enabling power of the Atonement.

Christ knows how I feel.
He has felt my shame as I've watched the scales rise.
He knows the guilt I feel as I choose to eat what I shouldn't.
He understands the pain of being excluded and treated differently because of being plus-sized.
And He can help me do this.

I love this gospel.
And though I have seen myself in Laman and Lemuel many times before, crying that it is a hard thing God has asked of me, today I see myself as Nephi.
Declaring that, "I will go and do the things the Lord has commanded, for I know the Lord giveth no commandment unto the children of men, save He shall prepare a way for them to accomplish the thing which He commandeth them."

I know that this weight requirement for missionaries has a reason.
I know that this is for my benefit.
And I know that Heavenly Father would not ask such a thing unless He had a way I could accomplish it.
So while this is a "hard thing" I have been asked to do I know I can.

In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Anxious

I'm so grateful for all of my readers out there.

I am grateful for everyone who has reached out and told me that they are reading,

that they are learning, 

that they are sharing these posts with those who may need them.

I have had several great conversations over the past few weeks with different people regarding anxiety.

Namely my own but also conversations about what anxiety disorder is.

So I thought I would break down what anxiety disorder is and how it affects me.

Did you know approximately 18% of people will struggle with an anxiety disorder this year?

Get a group of 100 people and 18 of them will have anxiety disorder.

That is a lot more than just me.

As you read this I want you to remember that while I am sharing experiences relevant to me and my own journey there are people you interact with everyday, people you love and care about, who have similar struggles to the ones I am describing. 

And while I have chosen to share parts of my journey with you, matters of the mind are personal and you never know the daily challenges one may face.

So be kind.

:)

First off let me break down anxiety disorder for you:

There are the four main types of anxiety disorder,

1. General Anxiety Disorder

2. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

3. Phobias and Panic Disorders

4. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

For me, I fit under the category of general anxiety disorder. 

That means that I have excessive, unrealistic worry about everyday problems, and it has lasted over a period of six months. 

(For me it has basically been the last 20 years of my life)

Symptoms of anxiety disorder include:

Feelings of panic, fear or unease

Shortness of breath

Heart palpitations

Dry mouth

Numbness or tingling in the hands or feet

Cold or sweaty hands or feet

Trouble sleeping

Nausea

Muscle tension

Dizziness

It is weird for me writing out all these symptoms because anxiety is just a part of who I am. 

There are people for whom their anxiety doesn't begin until something traumatic happens, or maybe it is a side effect of a medication or whatnot.

For those who don't have anxiety I want you to think of that moment when you are walking down the stairs and you miss the step. You know when your heart drops straight down into your chest in a moment of pure terror? That is how people with anxiety react to the smallest things. It sucks.

(It is this level of freakout for everything essentially)

For me it is just a part of what makes Emma, Emma.

To start at the very beginning I was a nervous child. 

 I have always had anxiety disorder.

I was afraid of everything. 

As a toddler I was terrified of being locked in a room. 

TERRIFIED.

To the point where I would never shut a door behind me.

For years.

(I was probably crying on the inside)

I had to know where every member of my family was always.

I had to have a specific plan every day so I would know where everyone would be and where I was supposed to be.

I had to be in control of my surroundings.

Or else I would burst into tears.

Cry. 

Be in the fetal position.

My fear of the unknown was so great it consumed my little young life.

(And yet I was the cutest kid ever)

In school I had to be the best.

I HAD to be the best.

I held myself to higher standards than anyone else did because of consequences that only existed in my mind. 

I constantly flipped between speaking up and being a leader in the classroom and untying my tangled tongue that wouldn't allow me to ever raise my voice above a whisper. 

If something would go wrong in my day I would have to run to the bathroom to hyperventilate until I felt I could return to class.

I always felt awkward. 

When I was 14 I had my first panic attack.

It was over something stupid that has no real significance in my life, except for the fact that after I made a comment in class that made me feel embarrassed, but in no ways a life-threatening or social life-ruining comment, I began hyperventilating.

 My heart raced a million miles a minute, I couldn't get out of my own head and away from my thoughts, and tears threatened to pour down my cheeks.

I called my mom and said she needed to pick me up immediately and ran out of the classroom.

Only to go home and cry my eyes out for a good hour with no good reason to do so. 

At 14 I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder.

(There are literally no cute pictures of me at 14... So I'll have to settle for this one where I thought I was so cute)

I was taught coping strategies, many of which I had already implemented in my life.

Playing the piano.

Going for walks.

Listening to music.

Deep breathing.

Saying a prayer.

Singing.

I also had unhealthy coping strategies like running my long nails down my arms that left marks, but allowed me to breathe clearly for a few seconds, a relief that made it feel worth doing whenever I became too overwhelmed. 

(This is actually a great idea to use)

As I babysat my siblings more often and later at night I became paranoid.

Every window and door was triple-checked.

I couldn't look out a window after dark in case I saw something terrifying.

(Even though I have never seen a scary movie that would cause that to be a fear, nor have I ever looked out a window after dark and seen something that would cause this to be a legitimate fear)

I had to sleep, or more often sit awake up by my sleeping siblings rooms in case anything happened.

This continued until my parents installed a security system, bought mainly to prevent my nightly paranoid walks and panic attacks that accompanied my paralyzing fear of whatever happened past dark.

In my senior year of high school I had several eye surgeries to fix a blocked tear duct.

(One of many doctor appts)

Each surgery failed and following one of the surgeries I ended up having an anoxic seizure, something I am terrified of repeating to this day. 

(Post surgery hanging out with Elle, and really drugged)

All of the failed surgeries, as well as applying for universities, missing lots of school and trying to graduate caused panic attacks to be a bi-weekly occurrence for a few months. 

(Somehow I did end up graduating)

Leading up to leaving for university I had panic attacks almost every day. 

To the point where I was unable to pack or get done what I needed to because I was so immobilized by my fear.

At university things were better.

Living on my own was something I found enjoyable and peaceful.

I made friends quickly. 

I overall did well in classes.

And I loved my soccer program.

(Me with my best friends at university)

Panic attacks became more rare. 

My anxiety prevented me from going out with friends too often, but didn't prevent me from living my life. 

I can count on one hand how many panic attacks I've had over the past year.

And all of them were justified, in an anxious brain kind of way. 

(Except for that one Kadee, you know which one I am talking about... )

(But really though, this girl gets me. She is so beyond good)

To someone on the outside looking in I am amazing. 

My life is fantastic and I am happy all the time.

Which isn't false.

I love my life and I am happy.

But I also deal with anxiety about situations others wouldn't even consider threatening. 

I appreciate everyone saying I'm not even that bad, I'm not a shut-in from my anxiety so why would the mission department consider me potentially unfit for missionary service?

Because I was honest with them.

More honest than I've ever been with the majority of my readers about my anxiety.

My anxiety disorder is a problem. 

It is a disorder.

There is medically something wrong with my brain that causes me to be this way. 

(My personal diagnosis is that my body produces too much epinephrine, which causes me to reach the fight or flight response faster than other people when faced with a normal situation.)

Meeting with counselors over the years have been interesting as I present in basic facts my life with anxiety.

I don't think any of what I described above as weird or abnormal.

It is my life and is just as much a part of me as my blue eyes are or being left-handed or liking to read.

But every counselor has a different explanation and different ways to make me "better."

But I am just me.

And Heavenly Father knows me and loves me exactly the way I am. 

Who knows how many times my anxiety has protected me from dangerous situations that I was unaware of but still afraid of?

And who knows why God allowed me to be this way?

I don't know but I like me.

And next time I refuse to walk down a certain street or have to check my purse 30 times before I leave the house for my phone I know is in there and I remember putting in there, just humor me.

Anxiety is real.

Mental Illness is real.

But Mental Awesomeness is real too.

And my anxiety won't prevent me from being a great missionary.

So thank Heaven for that.

D&C 31

Have you ever felt like a scripture was meant just for you?

That the words the prophets wrote ages ago was transcribed to assist you in the midst of the trial you are currently in?

Or maybe you are more humble and you simply believe that specific scripture which is aiding you in a moment of need was written generally enough to assist many in their trials which are common to many. 

Regardless of how you feel about personal revelation being given through scriptures or how you believe it is given, I have an experience that has meant a lot to me.

Flashback to November 2015.

It was right after my 20th birthday and I was super sick.

(Word to the wise: Maybe running around DC with wet hair after going and doing baptisms in the winter is a bad idea, or maybe you should just blow dry your hair first so you don't get sick)

And I felt that I needed a blessing.

I was sick.

I was stressed.

And I was excited about working on my mission papers and preparing for a mission.

But I was hesitant.

There were family issues happening back at home that worried me.

And I didn't feel like I was in a good enough place at the time to be a good missionary. 

So I texted my home teacher.

And we arranged a time and place to meet. 

I headed down to the institute building.

In my sweats.

With no makeup and nasty hair.

Feeling absolutely horrible.

As I walked into the building I wanted to turn back and just go home.

To the point where it took all of my strength to walk into the classroom where my home teachers sat.

I made it into the room and sat down.

Thinking to myself I just needed to make it through the blessing and go.

My home teacher however asked if they could leave a message with me before the blessing.

Internally I groaned because all I wanted was to go back to bed.

Instead I said sure and settled into the chair.

My home teacher doesn't know this but I can't remember what the blessing they gave me that night said.

But I do remember the lesson he gave and the scriptures he shared.

Very few people knew what trials I was going through at the time.

How much I was struggling.

And what my struggles were.

They didn't know that the trials my family were going through at home made me check flights back to Canada every day, wanting to withdrawal from classes and be with them.

Somehow I made it through.

And I am so grateful Heavenly Father saw it fit that I be home for a few months,

Preparing for a mission,

And being with my family.

But at the time my home teacher had no idea what was happening with me.

Which is why I am so grateful he listened to the Spirit.

Because what he said that night was a direct answer to prayer.

We talked about missionary work and he shared with me some scriptures from D&C 30.

But then we got to D&C 31.

And he asked me to insert my own name into the scripture.

And this is what it said.

Emma, my daughter, blessed are you because of your faith in my work.

Behold, you have had many afflictions because of your family; nevertheless, I will bless you and your family, yea, your little ones; and the day cometh that they will believe and know the truth and be one with you in my church.

Lift up your heart and rejoice, for the hour of your mission is come; and your tongue shall be loosed, and you shall declare glad tidings of great joy unto this generation. 

You shall declare the things which have been revealed to my servant, Joseph Smith, Jun. 

You shall begin to preach from this time forth, yea, to reap in the field which is white already to be burned.

Therefore, thrust in your sickle with all your soul, and your sins are forgiven you, and you shall be laden with sheaves upon your back, for the laborer is worthy of her hire.

Wherefore, your family shall live.

Behold, verily I say unto you. go from them only for a little time, and declare my word, and I will prepare a place for them. 

Yea, I will open the hearts of the people, and they will receive you. 

And I will establish a church by your hand;

And you shall strengthen them and prepare them against the time when they shall be gathered.

Be patient in afflictions, revile not against those that revile. 

Govern your house in meekness and be steadfast. 

Behold I say unto you that you shall be a physician unto the church, 

but not unto the world for they will not receive you.

Go your way whithersoever I will, and it shall be given you by the Comforter what you shall do and whither you shall go.

Pray always, lest you enter into temptation and lose your reward. 

Be faithful unto the end, and lo, I am with you. 

These words are not of man nor of men, but of me, even Jesus Christ, your Redeemer, by the will of the Father. 

Amen.

Now that is a lot.And a lot to process and understand.But when I heard it, line after line were answered prayers.I took the liberty of underlining the parts that stood out to me and were, what I felt to be answers to prayers.

Some people know, some people don't but my sister Elle was in the hospital for most of 2015 and almost died.

 And while that was going on, I was at school in Virginia.

 Because of that experience I was terrified of something happening while I was on my mission, and not being there if something did happened.

These thoughts especially plagued me at the time I went and met with my home teacher.

So to have that promise, that my family would live, brought me to tears.

(Side note: Elle is doing a lot better now, and we are regularly adventuring these days)

To be told that the laborer is worthy of her hire, at a time I was worried I wasn't worthy and ready to be a missionary.

To be promised that the Comforter would be with me, guiding me in what to do and where to go.

And the fact it says the Comforter and not the Spirit or the Holy Ghost, but to have the name used be the Comforter, especially in regards to familial worries is a powerful witness to me.

But how the scripture ends is perhaps the most telling.

That these words are not of man or men, but are of Jesus Christ by the will of the Father.

To me it was a testament that my home teacher didn't randomly flip open a scripture and read it.

But that this was not of man. 

This was of my Savior and meant for me.

And for Thomas Marsh, the first recipient of the blessings of this scripture.

And whomever else has found comfort and strength in this section of scripture.

I don't know if anyone else will find this story interesting.

Or if it just rambles along.

But this story is a part of my testimony.

Through this experience I gained a testimony of answers being found in the scriptures.

And my testimony of the truthfulness of the scriptures was strengthened.

This also is the story of how I found my mission scripture.

D&C 31:3

Lift up your heart and rejoice, for the hour of your mission is come; and your tongue shall be loosed, and you shall declare glad tidings of great joy unto this generation. 

My heart is lifted up.

The hour of my mission is finally here.

I have faith that my tongue will be loosened.

And I am ready and willing to declare these glad tidings of great joy that have changed my life

Right now to this generation.

Because finally it's time.

#sisteratwoodatlast