Laman, Lemuel & I

1 Nephi 3:5

And now, behold thy brothers murmur, saying it is a hard thing which I have required of them; but behold I have not required it of them, but it is a commandment of the Lord.

Dear readers I have a confession...
When I have read First Nephi I have always identified more with Laman and Lemuel than with Nephi or Sam.
And I am sure I am not the only one.



In fact the time I related most with Nephi was during his lament comprising of 2 Nephi 4:15-33.
Wherein he felt remorse over how easily he was beset by temptations and sins.

While I saw similarities with myself and Laman & Lemuel, I should clarify that I would never tie up my siblings and leave them for dead, and hopefully never act contrary to the commands I had received from an angel.
But I have often felt that what Heavenly Father is asking of me is a hard thing.

I have been given callings that were out of my comfort zone and difficult for me to do well.
I have received promptings I didn't want to follow through on.
I have at times felt that going to church every week was hard.
Reading my scriptures daily was hard.
Praying multiple times a day was hard.

God never asked me to do something that was easy.

Let me just repeat that for you...

GOD NEVER ASKED ME TO DO SOMETHING THAT WAS EASY.

Why is that?

Because, He has said that, "For behold, this is my work and my glory– to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man."
-Moses 1:39

Because of the fall of Adam and Eve we all are fallen.
But through Jesus Christ we all will be lifted up at the last day.
Our mortal will put on immortal.
Corruption shall put on incorruption.
And we will finally be able to reach perfection.
That is what our Heavenly Father wants for us.



He wants us to be with Him forever.
But to be with Him we must overcome the natural man.
Which is no easy task.

But He has promised it is doable.

He has given us help in so many ways.
He is there-we can always turn to Him and talk with Him.
We have the Holy Ghost as a comforter and as a guide to lead us where we should go.
We have Jesus Christ and His everlasting atonement, wherein He felt our sins as well our sorrows and knows how to succor us in times of need.

We have the scriptures as well as the Ensign & Liahona, the New Era and the Friend all containing the words of prophets designed to help us and provide strength in these days.
We have family and friends put into our lives to support us.
We have church leaders, not only to counsel with but also there to provide a shoulder to cry on and to help us bear our burdens when needed.
We have temples as places of refuge and peace where clarity can be found.
We have seminary and institute as well as church classes to teach us what we need to do.

And we have the knowledge of the Plan of Salvation.
A knowledge that can get us through the hardest of times by remembering God wants us to be happy and have joy.
As His children He wants us to return to be with Him where the greatest joy can be found.

And with that knowledge anything is possible.



So as someone who has grumbled and complained along the way for far too long
I have something to share.

And though it feels like every part of me is screaming out to keep this private and to keep this struggle inside, I know that this blog is not meant to just be my personal thoughts for myself alone.
This blog is for those who feel like they are alone in their mission struggles.
Those who feel misunderstood by those who mean so well.
Those who are ashamed to speak up about something that should be "The Best Two Years" yet is fraught with earthly trials.

I am facing another mission delay.

I have not "messed up" along the path.
My delays are not based upon any moral ambiguity.
(Though for those who are encountering such delays this post is as much for you as it is for anyone)
My delays are based upon a weightier matter.

Namely, my weight.

I was a chubby baby.



I was a chubby toddler.



I was a chubby child.



I was a chubby teenager.



And at 20 years old I am a chubby adult.



Before I am able to go on a mission I need to lose weight.

I suspected when I first began the process of working on my papers that this would be the case.
But as time went on no one talked to me about it.
My doctor cleared me.
My bishop cleared me.
My stake president cleared me.
All felt I would be suitable for full missionary service.

And so my papers went in.

Days turned into weeks that turned into months as my call didn't arrive.
There were other delays that I have talked about in previous posts that were properly dealt with.
Still I waited.
Until about two weeks ago I was called in to meet with my home ward bishop.

(Bishop if you are reading this you did a fantastic job handling a potentially awkward conversation)

Meeting with him I was told my stake president had just found out from the mission department that I could not go on a mission till I lost some weight.
Now a lady never reveals her weight so I am not going to talk about where I'm at, where I need to be or how much I need to lose.
But it is enough that I will be home for a few more months working on this.


(This is my typical response to being told I need to lose weight)

I want you all to know I am at peace with this.

I have tried hundreds of times to lose weight with minimal success.
But what have I left out each time?
My Savior, Jesus Christ.

As Phillipians 4:7 states;
"I can do all things through Christ which strenghteneth me."

We talk so often of the redemptive power of the Atonement.
That the Atonement is how one repents.
But we don't focus enough on the enabling power of the Atonement.

Christ knows how I feel.
He has felt my shame as I've watched the scales rise.
He knows the guilt I feel as I choose to eat what I shouldn't.
He understands the pain of being excluded and treated differently because of being plus-sized.
And He can help me do this.

I love this gospel.
And though I have seen myself in Laman and Lemuel many times before, crying that it is a hard thing God has asked of me, today I see myself as Nephi.
Declaring that, "I will go and do the things the Lord has commanded, for I know the Lord giveth no commandment unto the children of men, save He shall prepare a way for them to accomplish the thing which He commandeth them."

I know that this weight requirement for missionaries has a reason.
I know that this is for my benefit.
And I know that Heavenly Father would not ask such a thing unless He had a way I could accomplish it.
So while this is a "hard thing" I have been asked to do I know I can.

In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Anxious

I'm so grateful for all of my readers out there.

I am grateful for everyone who has reached out and told me that they are reading,

that they are learning, 

that they are sharing these posts with those who may need them.

I have had several great conversations over the past few weeks with different people regarding anxiety.

Namely my own but also conversations about what anxiety disorder is.

So I thought I would break down what anxiety disorder is and how it affects me.

Did you know approximately 18% of people will struggle with an anxiety disorder this year?

Get a group of 100 people and 18 of them will have anxiety disorder.

That is a lot more than just me.

As you read this I want you to remember that while I am sharing experiences relevant to me and my own journey there are people you interact with everyday, people you love and care about, who have similar struggles to the ones I am describing. 

And while I have chosen to share parts of my journey with you, matters of the mind are personal and you never know the daily challenges one may face.

So be kind.

:)

First off let me break down anxiety disorder for you:

There are the four main types of anxiety disorder,

1. General Anxiety Disorder

2. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

3. Phobias and Panic Disorders

4. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

For me, I fit under the category of general anxiety disorder. 

That means that I have excessive, unrealistic worry about everyday problems, and it has lasted over a period of six months. 

(For me it has basically been the last 20 years of my life)

Symptoms of anxiety disorder include:

Feelings of panic, fear or unease

Shortness of breath

Heart palpitations

Dry mouth

Numbness or tingling in the hands or feet

Cold or sweaty hands or feet

Trouble sleeping

Nausea

Muscle tension

Dizziness

It is weird for me writing out all these symptoms because anxiety is just a part of who I am. 

There are people for whom their anxiety doesn't begin until something traumatic happens, or maybe it is a side effect of a medication or whatnot.

For those who don't have anxiety I want you to think of that moment when you are walking down the stairs and you miss the step. You know when your heart drops straight down into your chest in a moment of pure terror? That is how people with anxiety react to the smallest things. It sucks.

(It is this level of freakout for everything essentially)

For me it is just a part of what makes Emma, Emma.

To start at the very beginning I was a nervous child. 

 I have always had anxiety disorder.

I was afraid of everything. 

As a toddler I was terrified of being locked in a room. 

TERRIFIED.

To the point where I would never shut a door behind me.

For years.

(I was probably crying on the inside)

I had to know where every member of my family was always.

I had to have a specific plan every day so I would know where everyone would be and where I was supposed to be.

I had to be in control of my surroundings.

Or else I would burst into tears.

Cry. 

Be in the fetal position.

My fear of the unknown was so great it consumed my little young life.

(And yet I was the cutest kid ever)

In school I had to be the best.

I HAD to be the best.

I held myself to higher standards than anyone else did because of consequences that only existed in my mind. 

I constantly flipped between speaking up and being a leader in the classroom and untying my tangled tongue that wouldn't allow me to ever raise my voice above a whisper. 

If something would go wrong in my day I would have to run to the bathroom to hyperventilate until I felt I could return to class.

I always felt awkward. 

When I was 14 I had my first panic attack.

It was over something stupid that has no real significance in my life, except for the fact that after I made a comment in class that made me feel embarrassed, but in no ways a life-threatening or social life-ruining comment, I began hyperventilating.

 My heart raced a million miles a minute, I couldn't get out of my own head and away from my thoughts, and tears threatened to pour down my cheeks.

I called my mom and said she needed to pick me up immediately and ran out of the classroom.

Only to go home and cry my eyes out for a good hour with no good reason to do so. 

At 14 I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder.

(There are literally no cute pictures of me at 14... So I'll have to settle for this one where I thought I was so cute)

I was taught coping strategies, many of which I had already implemented in my life.

Playing the piano.

Going for walks.

Listening to music.

Deep breathing.

Saying a prayer.

Singing.

I also had unhealthy coping strategies like running my long nails down my arms that left marks, but allowed me to breathe clearly for a few seconds, a relief that made it feel worth doing whenever I became too overwhelmed. 

(This is actually a great idea to use)

As I babysat my siblings more often and later at night I became paranoid.

Every window and door was triple-checked.

I couldn't look out a window after dark in case I saw something terrifying.

(Even though I have never seen a scary movie that would cause that to be a fear, nor have I ever looked out a window after dark and seen something that would cause this to be a legitimate fear)

I had to sleep, or more often sit awake up by my sleeping siblings rooms in case anything happened.

This continued until my parents installed a security system, bought mainly to prevent my nightly paranoid walks and panic attacks that accompanied my paralyzing fear of whatever happened past dark.

In my senior year of high school I had several eye surgeries to fix a blocked tear duct.

(One of many doctor appts)

Each surgery failed and following one of the surgeries I ended up having an anoxic seizure, something I am terrified of repeating to this day. 

(Post surgery hanging out with Elle, and really drugged)

All of the failed surgeries, as well as applying for universities, missing lots of school and trying to graduate caused panic attacks to be a bi-weekly occurrence for a few months. 

(Somehow I did end up graduating)

Leading up to leaving for university I had panic attacks almost every day. 

To the point where I was unable to pack or get done what I needed to because I was so immobilized by my fear.

At university things were better.

Living on my own was something I found enjoyable and peaceful.

I made friends quickly. 

I overall did well in classes.

And I loved my soccer program.

(Me with my best friends at university)

Panic attacks became more rare. 

My anxiety prevented me from going out with friends too often, but didn't prevent me from living my life. 

I can count on one hand how many panic attacks I've had over the past year.

And all of them were justified, in an anxious brain kind of way. 

(Except for that one Kadee, you know which one I am talking about... )

(But really though, this girl gets me. She is so beyond good)

To someone on the outside looking in I am amazing. 

My life is fantastic and I am happy all the time.

Which isn't false.

I love my life and I am happy.

But I also deal with anxiety about situations others wouldn't even consider threatening. 

I appreciate everyone saying I'm not even that bad, I'm not a shut-in from my anxiety so why would the mission department consider me potentially unfit for missionary service?

Because I was honest with them.

More honest than I've ever been with the majority of my readers about my anxiety.

My anxiety disorder is a problem. 

It is a disorder.

There is medically something wrong with my brain that causes me to be this way. 

(My personal diagnosis is that my body produces too much epinephrine, which causes me to reach the fight or flight response faster than other people when faced with a normal situation.)

Meeting with counselors over the years have been interesting as I present in basic facts my life with anxiety.

I don't think any of what I described above as weird or abnormal.

It is my life and is just as much a part of me as my blue eyes are or being left-handed or liking to read.

But every counselor has a different explanation and different ways to make me "better."

But I am just me.

And Heavenly Father knows me and loves me exactly the way I am. 

Who knows how many times my anxiety has protected me from dangerous situations that I was unaware of but still afraid of?

And who knows why God allowed me to be this way?

I don't know but I like me.

And next time I refuse to walk down a certain street or have to check my purse 30 times before I leave the house for my phone I know is in there and I remember putting in there, just humor me.

Anxiety is real.

Mental Illness is real.

But Mental Awesomeness is real too.

And my anxiety won't prevent me from being a great missionary.

So thank Heaven for that.

D&C 31

Have you ever felt like a scripture was meant just for you?

That the words the prophets wrote ages ago was transcribed to assist you in the midst of the trial you are currently in?

Or maybe you are more humble and you simply believe that specific scripture which is aiding you in a moment of need was written generally enough to assist many in their trials which are common to many. 

Regardless of how you feel about personal revelation being given through scriptures or how you believe it is given, I have an experience that has meant a lot to me.

Flashback to November 2015.

It was right after my 20th birthday and I was super sick.

(Word to the wise: Maybe running around DC with wet hair after going and doing baptisms in the winter is a bad idea, or maybe you should just blow dry your hair first so you don't get sick)

And I felt that I needed a blessing.

I was sick.

I was stressed.

And I was excited about working on my mission papers and preparing for a mission.

But I was hesitant.

There were family issues happening back at home that worried me.

And I didn't feel like I was in a good enough place at the time to be a good missionary. 

So I texted my home teacher.

And we arranged a time and place to meet. 

I headed down to the institute building.

In my sweats.

With no makeup and nasty hair.

Feeling absolutely horrible.

As I walked into the building I wanted to turn back and just go home.

To the point where it took all of my strength to walk into the classroom where my home teachers sat.

I made it into the room and sat down.

Thinking to myself I just needed to make it through the blessing and go.

My home teacher however asked if they could leave a message with me before the blessing.

Internally I groaned because all I wanted was to go back to bed.

Instead I said sure and settled into the chair.

My home teacher doesn't know this but I can't remember what the blessing they gave me that night said.

But I do remember the lesson he gave and the scriptures he shared.

Very few people knew what trials I was going through at the time.

How much I was struggling.

And what my struggles were.

They didn't know that the trials my family were going through at home made me check flights back to Canada every day, wanting to withdrawal from classes and be with them.

Somehow I made it through.

And I am so grateful Heavenly Father saw it fit that I be home for a few months,

Preparing for a mission,

And being with my family.

But at the time my home teacher had no idea what was happening with me.

Which is why I am so grateful he listened to the Spirit.

Because what he said that night was a direct answer to prayer.

We talked about missionary work and he shared with me some scriptures from D&C 30.

But then we got to D&C 31.

And he asked me to insert my own name into the scripture.

And this is what it said.

Emma, my daughter, blessed are you because of your faith in my work.

Behold, you have had many afflictions because of your family; nevertheless, I will bless you and your family, yea, your little ones; and the day cometh that they will believe and know the truth and be one with you in my church.

Lift up your heart and rejoice, for the hour of your mission is come; and your tongue shall be loosed, and you shall declare glad tidings of great joy unto this generation. 

You shall declare the things which have been revealed to my servant, Joseph Smith, Jun. 

You shall begin to preach from this time forth, yea, to reap in the field which is white already to be burned.

Therefore, thrust in your sickle with all your soul, and your sins are forgiven you, and you shall be laden with sheaves upon your back, for the laborer is worthy of her hire.

Wherefore, your family shall live.

Behold, verily I say unto you. go from them only for a little time, and declare my word, and I will prepare a place for them. 

Yea, I will open the hearts of the people, and they will receive you. 

And I will establish a church by your hand;

And you shall strengthen them and prepare them against the time when they shall be gathered.

Be patient in afflictions, revile not against those that revile. 

Govern your house in meekness and be steadfast. 

Behold I say unto you that you shall be a physician unto the church, 

but not unto the world for they will not receive you.

Go your way whithersoever I will, and it shall be given you by the Comforter what you shall do and whither you shall go.

Pray always, lest you enter into temptation and lose your reward. 

Be faithful unto the end, and lo, I am with you. 

These words are not of man nor of men, but of me, even Jesus Christ, your Redeemer, by the will of the Father. 

Amen.

Now that is a lot.And a lot to process and understand.But when I heard it, line after line were answered prayers.I took the liberty of underlining the parts that stood out to me and were, what I felt to be answers to prayers.

Some people know, some people don't but my sister Elle was in the hospital for most of 2015 and almost died.

 And while that was going on, I was at school in Virginia.

 Because of that experience I was terrified of something happening while I was on my mission, and not being there if something did happened.

These thoughts especially plagued me at the time I went and met with my home teacher.

So to have that promise, that my family would live, brought me to tears.

(Side note: Elle is doing a lot better now, and we are regularly adventuring these days)

To be told that the laborer is worthy of her hire, at a time I was worried I wasn't worthy and ready to be a missionary.

To be promised that the Comforter would be with me, guiding me in what to do and where to go.

And the fact it says the Comforter and not the Spirit or the Holy Ghost, but to have the name used be the Comforter, especially in regards to familial worries is a powerful witness to me.

But how the scripture ends is perhaps the most telling.

That these words are not of man or men, but are of Jesus Christ by the will of the Father.

To me it was a testament that my home teacher didn't randomly flip open a scripture and read it.

But that this was not of man. 

This was of my Savior and meant for me.

And for Thomas Marsh, the first recipient of the blessings of this scripture.

And whomever else has found comfort and strength in this section of scripture.

I don't know if anyone else will find this story interesting.

Or if it just rambles along.

But this story is a part of my testimony.

Through this experience I gained a testimony of answers being found in the scriptures.

And my testimony of the truthfulness of the scriptures was strengthened.

This also is the story of how I found my mission scripture.

D&C 31:3

Lift up your heart and rejoice, for the hour of your mission is come; and your tongue shall be loosed, and you shall declare glad tidings of great joy unto this generation. 

My heart is lifted up.

The hour of my mission is finally here.

I have faith that my tongue will be loosened.

And I am ready and willing to declare these glad tidings of great joy that have changed my life

Right now to this generation.

Because finally it's time.

#sisteratwoodatlast

What's your status?

In case you are wondering what is happening...

I HAVE AN UPDATE!

On Friday I went and met with my LDS Family Services counselor.

A few weeks back I went and did HOURS of testing.

Something like 1000 questions in 3 hrs time.

It was exhausting.

Last week my results came back from Salt Lake City.

(This stock photo shows how I feel about this)

And so the tests I took were standard psychology tests that were then evaluated by 

*insert name of whoever decides whether I'm mentally sound enough to be a missionary*

Then my results were measured against the results of missionaries who have come home early from their missions to see how likely it is that I would come home.

(Gulp)

From what I understood there are 9 different warning signs of missionaries coming home on this test.

General Anxiety

OCD behaviors

Previous traumatic experiences

Homesickness

....

Other ones I can't remember

And that's just on the anxiety scale I was being tested on.

But if there were more than 5 things that your score was high on you were flagged as a potential problem.

I had 6...

I know.

So I talked with my counselor to understand what that meant.

And to discover if I could still go.

We discussed coping strategies for anxiety.

And went over my whole history of anxiety disorder...

But I won't keep you waiting any longer with the minutia.

I CAN GO ON A MISSION!

He filled out a positive recommendation stating that he believed I would be a good missionary.

And sent it in to Salt Lake.

So now I am OFFICIALLY WAITING FOR MY CALL!

Here's the thing though.

At 19 I would not have been approved to go.

Did I know that at 19?
NOPE.

I was so mad.

So sad.
So confused as to why I was supposed to wait.

But as I have talked to my family doctor, my bishops, my stake president, my counselor

 it has become clear.

And all of them have testified of this.

I am ready to go at 20.

And in spite of the concerns my anxiety disorder brings I will be able to serve.

Why?

Because I went to school for a year and a half.

Because I travelled 3000 miles away from home.

I went to Virginia.

I was Director of Soccer Operations.

I was an RA.

I can go now because I not only survived in a new environment.

I thrived.

So,

Dear 18 year old Emma,

Still in High School,

Going on splits every week with the Sister Missionaries,

Crying as you apply to Southern Virginia University,

Because going means delaying your mission...

I'm not sure if I want to hug you or slap you.

Because you went to SVU you can go on a mission.

You are so young. 

You have so much to learn.

And you will.

There is a lot of tears ahead.

There is homesickness.

There is a lot more learning than simply what you'll learn in your courses.

Gaining an understanding of the enabling power of the atonement.

Relying on the Holy Ghost.

Trusting.

Praying earnestly.

Becoming someone who can leave her home.

And serve as a missionary.

Dear 19 year old Emma.

You returned to SVU for another school year in faith.

Only to realize while you were there that it was time to serve a mission.

And your heart broke leaving your Virginia life.

Your heart broke leaving the residents in your stewardship.

It broke saying goodbye to your team for two years.

And it broke saying goodbye to your SVU family.

I am so proud of you.

You can do hard things.

There will be a lot of goodbyes on your mission you are now more prepared for.

You rose to the challenges you had.

And some challenges you lost.

But you won so many.

Dear 20 year old Emma.

HALLEFREAKINLUIA.

And congratulations.

Because it is Thursday.

And after a lifetime of waiting.

And years of preparing.

And months of finalizing.

And weeks of anticipation.

And days of impatience.

Today your call is in the pile of those to be issued.

Today your photo is on a computer screen in Salt Lake City in the mission department.

Today, an apostle of the Lord is being lead by the spirit to send you where you are needed.

Today, your mission call is being issued.

Congratulations Sister Atwood.

Also I saw this on instagram yesterday.

And it made me laugh.

(I also should add I am emotionally prepared for my name to be at the bottom of the list and I don't actually get assigned till next week. But the excitement was too great not to share.)

The Odyssey

Now I'm not sure if you've heard of the General Conference Odyssey that has just begun.

Essentially, a group of mormon bloggers have gathered and decided to read 1 General Conference address every week until they are caught up, beginning with the April 1971 Conference.

(The first session easily available online)

And they will read until they are caught up with the current Conference, somewhere around 2029.

Wow.

I was reading about this plan and I think it is fantastic!

However, I am going to adapt it for my own personal use.

In preparation for my mission I am going to read 1 General Conference talk every day leading up to my departure.

As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints we believe that our prophets are called of God.

Mormon.org has a great description of the role of prophets:

Prophets have many duties that come with their role. Here are a few:

• To testify of Jesus: A prophet’s job first and foremost is to testify of Christ—that He died for us, was resurrected, and lives today. Prophets’ lives of love and service are examples of how to follow Him.
• To lead God’s kingdom on the earth: While each person is entitled to revelation for himself or herself, prophets have the authority to receive revelation for the world.
• To provide guidance and warning: Prophets have often been compared to watchmen on a tower. From the spiritual perspective that comes from their life experience and the revelation given to them from God, they can see things that the rest of the world can’t see and warn us of the consequences of certain actions.
• To keep doctrine pure: God speaks to each of us differently, and sometimes His voice can be difficult to discern. How can we know if what we feel is in accordance with God’s will? The words of the prophets are a measuring stick; if what we feel is consistent with the teachings of the prophets and the scriptures, we can be confident it is from God.

Prophets today address the world as a whole at General Conference twice a year.

Think about it for a minute.

People who have been called of God.

Speaking to us today.

Giving messages that apply to us directly.

April 1971 is a far ways away from my life span.

But my parents were around for it.

And the messages that were shared then are the same messages shared throughout time.

The same messages that apply to us today.

In preparing for a mission I think that reading and studying and being reminded of the words of the prophets and their insights into the scriptures will be of a great benefit.

So I invite you to join in this.

If you are preparing for a mission take the time each day to read a general conference address.

If you aren't preparing for a mission I encourage you to be a part of this Odyssey.

Whether reading one a week or one a day.

Get a refresher on the words of the prophets.

And let your testimony be strengthened.

Mentally Strong

One thing you need to know about me is I am fairly candid. 

I like being up front about who I am. 

Some may say I am a bit too honest too quickly. 

But the idea of sharing this blog post makes me a bit nervous.

Not because this isn't a common struggle.

But because it isn't often talked about in this specific situation.

I'm talking about missionaries mental health...

Over 3 years ago an announcement was made.

That young men could leave on missions at 18.

That young women could leave on missions at 19.

This was life changing news for a lot of teenagers and young adults.

But just because we could leave earlier didn't mean all of us were ready to...

I am not discounting anyone who went before they were ready.

I am not ignoring all of those who were ready at this younger age.

But I know for me, I was not ready at 19.

At the time I didn't know I wasn't ready.

But here at 20, I look back at who I was a year ago and I have learned so much.

And I am much better prepared.

For all that preparation there have been some hiccups.

Today I went to LDS Family Services to receive a pre-mission evaluation.

 Sunday I was called into my bishop's office 

And he told me that he had been speaking with the stake president about me. 

(Scary right?)

And here is the gist of it.

On my papers I wrote a few things that would be considered potential red flags:

1. I have ADHD

2. I have Anxiety Disorder

3. I have been depressed in the past

Because of these things I need to have some tests done, as well as meet with a counselor to evaluate whether I will be able to serve a mission. 

I need you to understand me saying this is not in any way me trying to dissuade people from telling the truth on their papers.

PLEASE BE HONEST.

PLEASE BE UPFRONT ABOUT ALL HEALTH CONCERNS.

PLEASE BE TRUTHFUL.

Don't hide or lessen different things in the hopes that if you don't write it down 

then you will just get assigned on your mission and all will be fine 

and you won't have any problems your whole mission long.

Because that isn't how it works. 

On the mission papers there is a whole lot of room to write down and explain all medical everythings.

So write it down and explain.

I was very detailed in mine-and what I wrote alerted my Priesthood leaders of potential concerns.

In talking with them it was made clear that chances are Salt Lake would ask me to be evaluated

before they assigned me anywhere. 

Because there are a lot of people coming home from missions. 

And there is a myriad of reasons. 

But one of them is that there are people going out.

Who are excited.

Who love the gospel.

Who aren't as mentally healthy as they should be. 

And don't have the coping skills they need.

And were not adequately prepared to deal with the stressors of a mission. 

And had to come home.

Please don't get the impression that I am judging anyone who is in that situation.

All I am saying is that I know I have some mental health concerns.

And because of that there are steps I need to take. 

And that I am doing all I can to prepare beforehand so that I can serve a full 18 months. 

But please note that I am a high functioning, do well in school, love my life kind of girl.

Also know there is no doubt in my mind I am going to serve a mission. 

And I understand and appreciate this protocol and that the church cares about my mental health and wants me to be the best missionary I can be as badly as I do. 

So I made an appointment and went to the Lethbridge LDS Family Services.

Met with a counselor.

Discussed the issues that were of concern.

And made an appointment for later this week to get testing done.

So actually submitting my papers to Salt Lake is now delayed 2-4 weeks.

For anyone else who has ever had a mental illness.

Or for anyone currently struggling with a mental illness.

Here is the process I am going through right now.

Because I know I am not alone in this.

But I also wish someone had told me. 

I wish I had known about pre-mission evaluations.

And known all that the church is doing to help those who have various disorders and mental illnesses who have desires to serve a mission. 

Here is a link to more information about LDS Family Services missionary resources:

LDS Family Services

Part 2 will be after my next appointment. ;)