Edit: I'm going through and publishing things I wrote FOREVER ago. This is dated Nov 2017.
We all have trials in life.
Hard times come our way.
What we want and what we get are two very different things.
It is all a part of life.
But when it happens to you it sucks.
To everyone who was in a class with me from elementary to high school,
but especially elementary,
I'm sorry.
Hindsight is 20/20.
I was a pain-in-the-butt teacher's pet.
I promise, my parents raised me right.
But I was a pill in school.
Some common phrases one could use to describe me:
Self-righteous
Perfectionist
Know-it-all
You are probably sitting there, all concerned right now, thinking,
"Oh no, Emma you were darling as a child, how can you say those things?"
If so, go ask someone who I thought was dumb what it was like to be in school with me and your perspective will change.
My role model was Miranda Cosgrove in the School of Rock.
Literally.
In my head, this was a movie.
I was the misunderstood genius, stuck in a small town that didn't understand her, destined for greatness.
I took pride in all my idiosyncrasies.
And I didn't care who I crushed on my way to the top.
(Apologies again to anyone and everyone I hurt along the way)
It is no surprise then that I wanted the best for my university.
I wanted to get away.
I wanted to break the status quo.
I wanted to be "the girl who got out".
I chased lots of dreams and reluctantly settled for God's plan.
Which was Virginia.
Director of Soccer Operations as a freshman.
Resident Advisor as a sophomore.
Part of the "cool crowd."
Crushed my PoliSci class.
I wasn't living up to my expectations.
I needed to do more.
In what was a surprise to only me, I crashed and burned.
Bad.
If you've read my blog you know this.
Like major trainwreck, I've spent the past two years in an emotional hospital, kind of a trainwreck.
Heck, it took me almost a year to get out of the emotional ICU.
And I've had to go back a time or two since.
If any of you watch Community I am Annie.
#annieadderall
Basically, a perfectionist who crashed and burned and ended up in community college.
I appreciate her struggles.
As a perfectionist in recovery, I am continually struggling with a few things.
I am not currently in university.
I am working.
Like at a job.
Like I'm 22 and have spent the past two years working.
My life isn't following my plans.
I am not on a mission.
I am not at school.
Hence, I am not living up to my potential and am a disgrace to everyone who knows me.
Like I've said before, it is a work in progress.
Because there are a few things I know to be true.
1. It is okay to not serve a mission
2. It is okay to not be going to school
3. I am where God wants me to be
So as I've come to the same realization I've had multiple times over the past two years.
I felt the need to share this realization.
The one I keep pushing down and ignoring.
The one I keep resisting because I don't want it to be true.
That the Virginia chapter of my life is over.
And I am SO sad about that.
While it is true my mental health collapsed there, it was one of the best things that ever happened to me.
I met my life-long best friends there.
I was able to work with the best women's soccer team in the world.
I got an education at the highest quality I could imagine.
I was loved and cared for by the most incredible professors and staff.
In Virginia, I found a home.
Attending Southern Virginia University is forever one of the best choices I've made.
And I miss it.
But I've known since I decided to leave that I wouldn't be going back.
Not that I didn't want to.
But I knew the door was shutting behind me, and no windows would be opening to let me back in.
I wanted to graduate in front of that beautiful red building.
I wanted to be a Politics major and have Dr. John be so proud of me and all I'd accomplished.
I wanted to sing in the choir.
I wanted to have my senior's night with my team and my best friends standing beside me.
I wanted to call those Blue Ridge Mountains home and be a Head Resident Advisor with some handsome husband I met at SVU.
I wanted to be a part of the legacy.
And for a long time, my heart was broken thinking I had lost my place in history by leaving SVU.
I've come to terms with not being there anymore.
And finally, in my heart, I can accept that I spent the time there I needed to.
It is okay for a door to shut behind you.
It is okay for a chapter to end.
I am a piece of that school and it is a piece of me.
I don't know what happens next.
I don't know where my next university is.
I don't know when I will be going to school.
I don't know when I'll graduate or where I will be a year from now.
But I am trusting God.
He leads me to where I need to be.
He lead me to SVU.
He lead me away from SVU.
Wherever He leads me next I will go.
But in my heart I will always be a Knight.
(I didn't know why then, and I still don't know why I was holding a pot of flowers.)
